New Digs

This is a bad picture pulled off the realtor's website. But Justin just signed the papers today on this little place for us! Our move date has officially been set for next week and while I will seriously miss being so close to my family, I am so excited to be able to be going back home to Georgia. It's kind of weird moving into a house that I have never been in. But Justin says he likes the different feel of it. There is an alley way behind the house where you pull into the garage/basement level. (I get to have a food storage room again!!) The main level has the kitchen/living/dining/office. The second level is three bedrooms and the third level there is a playroom for the girls. What I am familiar with is the neighborhood, Harmony on the Lakes. It is family heaven. Many of our very good friends, including my best friend Laura are a short walk up the street. The entire neighborhood has sidewalks, walking trails, lakes, tennis, swim, playgrounds. Basically I am just very excited for the atmosphere for our girls that Harmony provides.

Maryn and Brynna will be starting school at Cherokee Charter Academy. At first they were skeptical about going to a charter school. But have warmed up to the idea of smaller class sizes and uniforms, since as Brynna put it tonight "No one will be all worried about being fancier than everyone else!" We are excited for Lauryn and Devyn to be able to take their turn at Canton First United Methodist Preschool, where their older sisters had fabulous preschool experiences. Justin and I are beyond excited to be able to be back in the Hickory Flat Ward. Our hearts are with those members and we love them like family. Practically every time Justin calls he tells me "I am just so excited for you to get back here. Everyone is so amazing." Even my old job told me that they would love to have me back if I was interested in working whatever amount of hours I wanted.

Today the girls and I were dreaming of enjoying a Georgia Fall. I told them that since the driveways are behind the houses on our street, trick-or-treating will be super easy with no driveways to hike up! It's just the fast track to the candy lane! We are also dreaming of Burt's Pumpkin Farm, wassail made from fresh-pressed cider from Hillcrest Orchards. Maryn even suggested that I try my hand at homemade apple pie with some North Georgia mountain apples. (We always left the pies to Grammy, who now lives in Arizona, so it's time for me to step up to the plate!) I am not trying to idealize it, because we have had some tough times in Georgia too and I know life has it's inevitable ups and downs. But it is home. It feels right. After spending the past two years feeling kind of like an outsider, with a few exceptions, it feels good to be walking into open and loving arms and a great life for our children.

Journal Entry - #3

I wrote this entry toward the end of last year...the situation, despite hope of change, remains the same. It's a hard thing...loving someone who's only return is a heavy dose of deep and aching hurt.

As part of my grade for a critical thinking class I took a couple of semesters ago, I had to keep a journal and write about various assigned topics. It was nothing special, just a writing exercise. But they are snippets of me and rather than letting them get shuffled around and lost, I thought I would post some of them on here...

Write about a bad habit, either of yours or that of someone close to you.

'Bad habits' evoke visions of something trivial in my mind. Like my daughter's thumb-sucking habit or my husband's nail biting habit. I wish all bad habits were one's who's greatest consequence were in the inability to scratch a good itch or who guaranteed yourself as a future patient to the local Orthodontist.

Tonight however, my mind is on habits that are far less innocent. Tonight, my mind is on my brother.

My Mom and Dad have both mentioned that out of all their five children, Matt showed great promise. He was one they saw as a child and thought would be very successful in life. Matt is 32 years old and living in a motel my parents pay for to keep him off the streets. He has no car, a minimum wage job he hates that is far below his abilities and has burned every bridge imaginable. He has lied to all of us, stolen from us and has held my parents hostage to witness the destruction and downward spiral of his life.

Matt is a drug addict.

Matt, the child with so much promise....

Despite being given every opportunity to succeed and for redemption and rehabilitation, he has managed to make a wreck of his life. One defined by bad habits, bad choices, vices and running away when things get too tough. With guilt I have many times pondered on the fact that Matt's hard road made mine easier in a way. I have still had to live through the hell of watching my brother destroy himself. But his actions helped shape my own paths of life. There have been nights I have cried, wishing more bumps in my own road of life if they could have meant my brother could have been clean. If he could have lived the life he should have lived.

I am just 18 months younger than my brother. I had a front row seat to watching Matt destroy himself. It took away any temptation in me put a toe on his side of the line. By the time we were both out of high school, Matt's bad habits included chain smoking, excessive drinking, gambling and every drug imaginable, he had done it or was doing it. I on the other hand had gone to the other extreme. Once in the ninth grade I took one puff off a friend's cigarette. That was the end of my foray into the world of vice. To this day, as a 30 year old woman, I have never drank alcohol, never done drugs and even chose to wait until I was in a committed relationship and married to have sex. Because of Matt, in part, I won't allow myself to have vice or addiction play even the smallest role in my life.

Not even an innocent morning cup of coffee or caffeinated beverage.

Matt has always been torn between loving me and hating me. I am after all his only sister. But I have seen him seethe at me as he growled "You stupid, goody-goody b*tch." I hated that he pigeon-holed me like that. Like the intention of my life was to make him look even worse. It wasn't. Never has been, never will be. I just couldn't bring myself to accept the risk of his mistakes for myself. As much as he struggles with hating me, in a way he helped mold me into the person he despises.

I am determined to make of my life what Matt wouldn't make of his own. To live and feel rather than numbly survive. To love the people in my life, not a chemical, not a feeling, not a high. To have goals for myself and work hard towards them, not wonder as I wander aimlessly towards the next hit what I could have done or been. The price was too high and I wish I could take it back; make it different. But out of all the heartache I have to say, thank you Matt, for helping me to take nothing in this life for granted. I owe you one brother.