Kindergarten Heartbreaker

Lulu's embarrassed, but secretly loving the adoration, face!

Lulu was cracking me up a few minutes ago. She was telling me about a boy at school who is in love with her! She assures me, however, that she does NOT love him back!! She said "Mom, this boy in my class follows me all around and calls me kind of adult names that I do not think are very appropriate!" (You should hear the conversation in her little voice!) My mind racing, I asked her what kind of names she was talking about? I am thinking to myself, is some Kindergartner calling my kid sexy or something?! (We say that is an "adult" word in our house.) She refused to spill the beans, so I asked her "Lulu, does he call you Sweetheart?" She nodded emphatically and then said "Gross Mom! I can't even talk about it!" Laughing I said "Does he call you Sugar and Snookums and Pumpkin Noodle?" She made a face and said "Stop Mom, he calls me all those names and I try to run away from him because I do NOT even like him!" I told her she doesn't have to like him, but not to break his heart and remember to be nice. She looked at me and threw her hand on her hip and said "Well Mom, it's just that I am a little picky, okay?!" This child cracks me up!

Whole Life Challenge

 

 I love to workout and will have been doing CrossFit now for a little over a year and a half. (I can't believe how fast time has flown!) Sweating is like my therapy, so more often than not I don't have a hard time getting motivated to get my butt in the gym. I do however have a harder time being as dedicated with my nutrition. I am not horrible, but I definitely have room for improvement. So this Saturday I am starting something called the Whole Life Challenge. It's an 8-week lifestyle reboot that includes reigning it in on foods that are processed, sugars and starches. I'm not gonna lie, I am a big fan of baked goods and justify my dark-chocolate almond habit as something that is healthy for me. So it will be an adjustment, but I am actually kind of starting to get excited by the thought of committing to something that I know will be good for me and my body in the long run.

   

Downton Abbey

I am more than just a smidgey bit excited that I get to settle my carcass on the couch tonight with Justin to watch the first episode of season four of Downton Abbey!! Eek! It has been a very long wait since the last episode I saw, where they ended it with Matthew a bloody mess in a ditch on the happiest day of his life. So lame. I actually had a friend Google if you can be unconscious with your eyes open, because she refused to believe they could have killed him off! I am sure they did just that, unfortunately, but I can't wait to see how it all unfolds!

My Forever Family

I wrote this tonight about an experience I had at church yesterday... 
    

  I sat surrounded on the hard, metal chairs at the rear of the chapel by my four, young daughters. The hushed, but busy noises of families with small children surrounded us as our Bishop turned the time over for the bearing of testimonies. My eight-year-old, Brynna, laid her head on my shoulder and looking up at me with eager, blue eyes whispered “Mom, I want to bear my testimony!”

      I smiled at her and told her to go ahead. My heart swelled in my chest as I watched her little, blonde head determinedly make its way from the very back of the chapel, up to the pulpit for the first time. I certainly was never as brave at that age. What she said made my heart swell even more though. She stood in front of the congregation and peering over the microphone said “I would like to bear my testimony that I know my family is forever and I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.”

      Of all the gospel principles she could have born a simple testimony of, it touched my heart that this was the principle in her heart and on her mind that day.

      You see, my husband is inactive and has made the decision not to come to church with his family anymore. So every Sunday I load the kids in the van, find a row of empty, metal chairs and bring our daughters to church by myself.

     It took a while, after his decision was made, for sitting in Sacrament Meeting not to be a painful experience. Surrounded by other families who had their husband or dad on their row with them. While I was grateful, it hurt to have to ask my friend’s husband to give my children blessings when they were sick or needing comfort, instead of having a worthy Priesthood holder in my home to turn to. Many times I would find myself sitting in the temple on Ward Temple Night, keenly aware that my “date” wasn’t with me and wondering how my family’s situation translated on an eternal perspective. 

     Though participating in church activities usually meant my quiet sorrows were just under the surface, threatening to show up in the form of hot tears I would try to fight back at the mention of priesthood or eternal families, my commitment and resolve to staying active myself and making sure our daughters were raised with a knowledge of gospel principles sustained me. Slowly the pain of these situations eased as the joy of the gospel filled in those sad and hollow places in my heart. 

     By continuing to come to church each week, I was allowing myself to be reminded of Heavenly Father’s love for me. I was reminded that He knows me and my situation personally. I was reminded that He has plans for my life. I was reminded, as my daughter bore testimony, that my family is forever. That if I earnestly strive to be worthy of promised blessings, that Heavenly Father will work miracles. Maybe those miracles will be in my heart, in the ability to endure faithfully. Maybe they will be in my husband’s heart, in the desire to nurture a seed of faith. Maybe the miracles will be in the lives of our sweet daughters as they grow and their own faith is strengthened with the understanding from a young age that a testimony doesn’t just happen, but is something that must be worked for. 

     Whatever the Lord has in store for me, I know it is what I need. I have faith in His plan and know my Father in Heaven also desires my family to be a forever one. And I know that the realization of that starts with me.

New Skirts

 

I noticed last Sunday that almost all of Maryn and Brynna's Sunday dresses were getting just a little bit too short. These girls just keep on growing! So yesterday when I was at Target, Maryn and I picked out some new skirts for them. It was fun picking out something that was kind of a miniature version of something I would wear myself, rather than something more juvenile. As I was getting them ready and doing their hair this morning I just kept thinking about how grown up they are getting. It weirds me out a little, but at the same time I really love this age they are at. They aren't so old that they don't want to hear anything I have to say, but old enough to share my accessories with, talk about lip gloss and nail polish and still think their momma is okay. I kind of wish I could freeze them actually.

Mean Mom

This was the view off of the balcony this past October when I spent four, glorious days in Florida with my girlfriends. No husband, no kids, no work, no demands, no schedule, just 100% recharge time. I could really use a dose of this right now.

I know it sounds awful to want to get away without my family, because I do love them so very much. But dang it, I am zapped. I came home from that trip with my well so full. I wanted to and was ready to be a better wife and mother after I had a chance to catch my breath.

Right now, I just feel like mean mom.

Justin has been gone a lot and when he is home he is working all the time. That leaves me to make sure teeth are brushed, meals are cooked, groceries are bought, babysitters lined up, go to work myself, laundry, cleaning, playing referee, making sure the kids are loved, pay the bills, balance the checkbook, delegate, entertain... you get the idea.

Tonight I was talking to Maryn about standing up straighter. (When she sulks she assumes a very vulture-esque pose that can't be good for her neck or back...) Brynna immediately chimed in "Well, do I do that?" My brain snapped. 

It seemed like every time I tried to have a conversation with any of her sisters today (or any day really) she wanted to know how the conversation correlated to her. For instance, I happened to find a baby picture of one of the girls buried in some stuff and Brynna immediately wanted to know if I had a baby picture of her in there too. I can tell someone their drawing is really good and she wants to know if her drawings are really good too. It may seem stupid, but it seems like she is always fighting for 100%, exact equality in all things to prove my love....and truthfully it makes me want to scream. I tell her all the time that I love all my girls equally and that expressing love to someone else doesn't take away from or diminish the love I have for her. That praising someone else doesn't mean I don't also feel proud of her.

So tonight when she interrupted my conversation with Maryn to compare it to herself, like I said, my brain snapped. I looked at her and said "Brynna Grace, I love you to bits. You are a great kid, but NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU!!! I am not talking to YOU right now!!!" She stood there and puddled up, fighting back tears, the same way I do when I don't want to cry, and turned and silently went upstairs.

Now that the house is quiet and I am not overwhelmed by the swarming of activity and noise I wish I could go wake her up and tell her I am sorry for losing my temper. I wish I could tell her I was that insecure middle child too, who always just wanted to know where I fit into the mix. Who always wanted to belong.

I swore to myself so many times as a kid that I would never forget what it felt like to be a kid. I felt so strongly from a very young age that grown-ups didn't get it. I promised myself I would never be that person. But here I am, very much that person. And it makes me sad. Sad that life has overwhelmed me so much that I have lost the vision of what life is like from their young view.

............................................

I couldn't stand it any longer. I had to go wake her up and tell her I was sorry. Through tears I told her she was always in my heart. I told her I remembered feeling the same way as a kid. I told her I loved her even when I was a mean mom. She smiled sweetly, hugged me and told me it was okay.

Having children can really take it out of you, but I am thankful to have their examples. They love so freely and forgive so easily. So many times I tell them (usually during those "This is a life skill." moments) that I am raising them to be adults someday. But I hope that in the process of raising them, they can continue to teach me to remember and see life like a child.

Goodbye Christmas

I just finished dissembling the tree, boxing ornaments, putting away Christmas books and c.d.'s, wrapping nativities, coiling up garland and making about a dozen trips up and down the basement steps, putting it all away. Why is it that when I put all of my Christmas stuff up it feels so cozy, decorated and wonderful, but by the time I take it all down I am craving minimal, empty space with no extra fuss? Maybe my brain is just coming off of the overload of Christmastime demands, compounded with everything else I am juggling and to my Scandinavian brain, the emptiness feels soothing? I don't know, I'm weird.

P.S. It is 9:55 at night and Devyn and Lauryn are still across the hall just as loud and chatty as ever, sharing their opinion to each other on this, that and the other thing...Heaven help me, there are very few hours of the day that this house is not buzzing with noise of some sort!!

Buffalo Gals

We had a handyman come out to the house once to look at our downstairs lights. It seemed like there was always at least one bulb in our light fixtures that was always out, no matter how often we replaced our lightbulbs. I was tired of feeling like a cave dweller in half-lit rooms and was sure it was some wonky wiring job that needed to be fixed.

The handyman looked at our fixtures after having the problem explained to him and said "Where are your kids' rooms in relation to the lights that keep going out?" Puzzled, we answered directly above them. He said that was our problem. Our girls are so dang rambunctious that their constant jumping, stomping and horse-playing was breaking the filaments in our lights.

And people say it's the boys that are rough on things.

I just sent the girls upstairs to get jammies on and teeth brushed...it literally sounds like a herd of wild buffalo are running recklessly through the halls; stomping, jumping, yelling and loud-talking. On nights where Justin is gone, like tonight and what seems like so many other nights, where I am running this ship all alone while buffalo gals run amok, I get tired at the sheer responsibility that my life requires of me. But then I can't help but think that it will all be over before I am ready for it to be. When responsibility will wane and these halls and stairs will grow quiet. When lightbulbs will glow, undamaged by the ruckus and I will wish for the days that the sands of time didn't slip between my tired hands.

So tonight, I will grasp this moment. I will gather my fading energy. I will muster another push of patience and I will go hug and kiss my wild, rambunctious, wonderful, little herd of buffalo gals.

Roswell Mill

 We were feeling cooped up. Trapped in a house by tired bodies from busy schedules and cold, gray skies. We decided to act and piled in the van and headed to our happy place. The color of the sky didn't matter. The naked, barren trees didn't matter. What mattered was the fresh air filling our lungs and just being together, all six of us, in the same place at the same time. The girls drew maps in the sand with sticks. We littered the trail with peanut shells as we walked, like we were a lesser-known, Southern version of Hansel and Gretel. We imagined the lucky squirrels that would happen upon the occasional peanut that jumped from our grasp before it could make its way to our hungry mouths. We watched water glide as smooth as glass before it rushed and crashed over falls. We ran and we dawdled. We hushed and we hollered. We spent this first day of this New Year doing what we hope fills up many more days over the coming days, weeks and months. Enjoying life's simple pleasures. Together.

The covered bridge the girls love to race across.

Maryn whittling with the new pocketknife Santa brought her.

Lauryn leading the pack.

Lulu swears she saw a fish go over the waterfall!