Book Club & Course Correction

   Maybe I call myself a hermit crab too much and it has become something of a self-fulfilling prophesy? Tonight when I came home Justin told me he was proud of me, for doing something he knew was out of my comfort zone. I like to be in my own bubble, living life on my own terms. Where the people around me are as devoted to me as I am to them. Is this me, or is it a wall I have built over time and through formative years of perceived rejection?

   I am not anti-social by any means. I can laugh, carry on a conversation, make eye contact, give a firm handshake. All those things that don't make me a darting-eyed, social freeb. (Although I do get nervous and fight a pounding heart and shaky voice when I know all eyes in the room are on me, and only me.) However, despite being able to 'put on a good show' as my mother (who is very much like me in that way) says, I avoid social situations with people I don't know, as much as I can. I am just as happy to be with my family and extremely small group of people I would actively seek out.

   But Maryn made a friend this year named Bridgette Bissell. Bridgette has a mother named Suzanne. It is crazy odd how much the four of us all just seem to have known one another before, in the sense that we can just relate. Maryn has found someone in Bridgette who gets her, and vice versa. I have been amazed at how everytime I talk to Suzanne I find it almost eerie how much she just kind of seems to get me, even though I have myself pegged as a friendly odd-ball.

   Long story short, Suzanne started a book club and invited me to come sit with a room full of strangers and talk about books. I like books...even if talking to strangers sounds about as fun as a squirt of lemon juice in the eye. But I like Suzanne and want to support her and more importantly get to know one another better. So I go. And I have a little shaky voice when everyone is staring at me as I introduce myself, but I survive. And I meet some really great women. Of course their is the over-opinionated, offbeat neighbor who Suzanne invited so as not to offend. But two women in particular, Tita from Columbia and Alejandra from Peru, I had a wonderful time talking with after the group discussion. It wasn't like the obligatory small-talk that usually sets me on edge.

   They talked about their cultures and how important it is that their children have a sense of where they came from. I talked about how when I was a girl I envied my Greek best friend because she had a culture. I know I do too, but I don't have it documented. There are stories I want to learn. Stories I want to tell. Experiences about our backgrounds that I want to share with my girls, except that I don't know what they are yet.

   I am currently working towards a degree in Healthcare Administration that is about as practical as it gets. It was never a dream of mine, but lean times in the past have left me in fear of the unknown and it is a steady, responsible choice. Somewhere lurking in the back of my mind is the feeling, that I must know if my world gets pulled out from under my feet again, that I can make it. That I can take care of myself and those I love.

    But I am tiring of fear of the unknown being the motivator of my focus. I am tiring of becoming educated solely to make a living. I want my education to give more meaning to my living. I want the things I learn be something that I can draw my kids into, rather than isolate myself with. I don't want to study business law, statistics, or memorize anatomy and codes. I want to leave a legacy. I want to learn my story and tell it, and I want to tell the story of those who went before me and never got to say it. I want my daughters to know all the parts and places on their Family Tree that they belong to and are intertwined with. Instead of the responsible Bachelor's in Healthcare Administration, I want to get my Associate's in Family History Research.

    It makes me wonder if Heavenly Father prodded me out of my comfort zone tonight, to a new friend's house, so that I could learn about two interesting ladies and their cultures? I wondered if He knew that that conversation was sprouted to help me realize what it is I want to to with my time academically, as impractical as it is. I feel like the meaning I have been searching for has just been unearthed.

Being Loved

    As I went to the sink to wash my hands I looked up and caught my reflection in the mirror. I smiled because the face staring back at me was one I hadn't seen in awhile. She looked amused, with eyes that twinkled like they knew something. Her face looked tired, yet rested at the same time. Her hair was askew, but playful. The flush on her cheeks captured days gone past; while the lines on her face, like the corners of her eyes that happily crinkled like tissue paper, told a story of life lived. Missing was the dull eyes, the slumped shoulders and the deep, drudging lines of stress and sleep deprivation pulling on her face. Even at the hour where one day imperceivably meshes into another, she looked almost...beautiful.

    Life has been so busy for Justin and I, with school, work, and other obligations. It feels like we hardly see each other anymore. But this weekend, he is mine. We watched a movie together, pretzeled on the couch, legs and arms all intertwined. We laughed at the -isms in our personalities that we have each grown to find endearing. We walked under the inky, black sky of a flawlessly clear night, speckled with stars, and wondered why it had been so long since either one of us looked up? We filled our lungs with the sweet scent of honeysuckle that meandered it's way through the still night air. He listened as I jabbered about the transport I felt to my childhood days on Autumn Ridge Parkway, when that delicate sweetness seeped into my senses. We made plans to take our Little Women strawberry picking once the sun rises and yields a new day. We marveled at the half life lived while our freezer has been devoid of scrumptious, sweet, tart, ruby-red, strawberry freezer jam. (You know life is far too busy when you have subjected yourself to over a year of mediocre, store-bought jam!) We looked into each others eyes and smiled. We kissed like teenagers. We basked in the absolute comfortability of married life. I know him, he knows me. There is no face to put on, no pretense, no uptightness. Just pure, comfortable honesty.

    The man who put the twinkle in my eye, and smooths lines from worry to lines of life, lies next to me in bed right now. Softly snoring ever so slightly, as his chest rises and falls. When I am with him, without distractions, I can feel the burden lift. Life without him weighs me down. Like trying to run against the current of the ocean's waves. With him by my side I can feel those waves start to recede, and each moment is a step closer to dry, warm sand where I can lay and rest without fear in that moment of being swept away. The woman who carries so much responsibility is free to just be the girl he loves.

    As the upturned corners of her mouth caught me off guard and smiled back at me in the mirror tonight, my reflection whispered to me a truth that had escaped me for awhile amidst the stress of life. One that age, circumstance, or life cannot erase. Being loved makes you beautiful.

Hanging On Extra Tight

    Sometimes in life you have the opportunity to see the way your life could have played out right in front of you, in a way that shakes you to the core. It makes you scared and grateful all at once, like standing on the other side of an accident that should have killed you. I have had the opportunity to reflect over the last week, as I have watched heavy things go down in a friend's life, on how it's the small moments that have the greatest impact. It's all these tiny bits and pieces, those choices, that lead us up to the defining moments where we see what we are made of.

    I can't tell you how many times I have walked up to Justin in the last few days and just tilted my head into his neck, right under his chin, where we fit together just right, and breathed him in. We are here, he is mine, and we made it. We weathered the storm. We have talked about how scary it is to realize how close we came to losing it all. That our lives could be separate right now. That pictures of those moments that a life was built on could be nothing more than a painful reminders of distant, happier past life.

   I have shed tears at the loss of others and gotten down on my knees and thanked God for preserving our marriage. For repairing what was broken. For speaking to us, and helping us to have ears to hear, so that when those small moments led up to those defining decisions, His will was known. I am grateful He knew what we didn't. That this life was worth fighting for. That our marriage had the power to become what we each needed it to be, even when it seemed all was lost. That beyond anger and hurt of the past was friendship in it's truest form waiting on the other side.

   I wish I could tell my friend in a way that she would hear that beauty can be born from heartache, and a deeper love from from our hardest times. But I feel like I am shouting into the wind, and my words aren't heard. All I can do now is hold on extra tight, and thank my Father above for giving us the strength to fight for this life. To remember how close we came to losing it all. To know that happy families don't just happen. To remember that anything worth having in life is worth working and fighting for.

   As I tuck under his chin, and his arms envelope me as they pull me close, I know my life with Justin is just as it should be. We are a miracle. Our life together is a miracle. And I will thank God every day for it.

Just Keepin' It Real

I am 100% over this semester and just wish I could blink and it would be over with. I feel like my entire life has become a juggle of work and school and very little enjoyment otherwise. Bleh. I just want my life back!

She Will Find What Is Lost

"She Will Find What Is Lost"

Brian Kershisnik

A friend shared this painting with me. It reminded me very much of the feeling I recently shared of having unseen hands lifting and guiding my path. I am so grateful for Heaven's help in this mortal journey.

Asking Forgiveness

   Many times when I find myself in prayer, asking for forgiveness for the same offenses over and over, I want to shrink at my weakness, rather than bring them to the Lord...again. I was impatient. I was quick to anger. I wasn't soft-spoken. I was too opinionated. The list could go on.

    I am well aware that my road to perfection has a lot of speed bumps and pot holes. Sometimes the adversary can get in my ear and tell me to not bother to pray. That Heavenly Father is tired of the daily report of my imperfections. However, peace came to my heart as I read Helaman 3:27 where it said "Thus we see that the Lord is merciful unto all who will, in the sincerity of their hearts, call upon His holy name." 

    It's nice to be reminded that the Lord isn't merciful to just the star students of life who only have good reports. He is merciful to all, who in humility can bring their shortcomings to His feet, and offer them up, and ask for His help. It brings me peace to know that while I don't deserve it, Jesus Christ fills the gaps I create daily, through His atoning sacrifice. Their love for me, despite my unworthiness, makes me want to keep picking myself up and trying, knowing Their mercy is there to help me through each day. It is my prayer that as I continue to bring my flawed self to Their feet, that eventually my actions will become a truer reflection of my love for them.

The Lord Provides

   I think we all will find times in our lives where we feel stretched thin and fear that we can not accomplish all that has been asked of us. Maybe it is embarking on a journey in continuing our education and struggling to find balance with our everyday lives. Maybe it is accepting a new assignment or calling at work or church. Perhaps we struggle in a relationship that requires much personal sacrifice to help it grow. Whatever the circumstance may be, I find such peace in knowing that the Lord is there to sustain us as we turn to Him in all things.

   Alma and his companions found this sustaining influence as they prayed for and sought wisdom in their dealings with the Zoramites before splitting up and going forth to preach the word of God. In Alma 31:37-38 it says "And after that they did separate themselves from one another, taking no thought for themselves what they should eat, or what they should drink, or what they should put on. And the Lord provided them that they should hunger not, neither should they thirst; yea and he also gave them strength, that they should suffer no manner of afflictions, save it were swallowed up in the joy of Christ..."

   They had a tall order in front of them and surely knew they would be met with some opposition. Yet they were blessed with a single-minded faith in God's plan and in His peace. They did not worry about the details because they knew Heavenly Father would work it out. I had a similar experience this week. Sunday morning I was seriously considering dropping my classes because my schedule for the next couple months is even busier than "normal" for me (which is already very busy) and I wasn't sure I would be able to keep up with my coursework. As I thought on it though, I came to feel a certain peace and the thought came to not stress how the whole semester would be handled. Rather I felt impressed to take it day by day, having faith that the Lord could help me accomplish the things I didn't think I could do alone. I am so grateful that the stresses and requirements of life can be taken in stride as they are swallowed up in the joy of Christ and in the knowledge that we are in His care.