"Trouble With The Curve"

   When it comes to love languages and all that, mine is not being showered with gifts and expensive dinners out. In fact I kind of resent the commercialism that is shoved down people's throats when it comes to holidays and all these built up expectations people get. I just want face time or kind gestures. So last night Valentine's Day was perfect for me. Justin made the girls and I a delicious chicken pasta dinner. It had grilled asparagus, zucchini and a cream sauce...I had three bowls, so apparently it was delicious! ;) We ate as a family and then we sent the girls upstairs to have a "Girl Party" and watch a movie while chowing on popcorn and Twizzlers. Justin and I settled in on the couch and he rubbed my back. (So much better than putting on heels and braving the crowds!)

   I wasn't that excited about Justin's movie choice, "Trouble With The Curve" thinking it was going to be some boring, sports movie though. I was really wrong. In fact, I loved it. Probably because I felt like I could relate to aspects of the movie, like I was watching our life in some ways. It details a father-daughter relationship with a longtime baseball scout. Being married to a basketball scout, or "Recruiting Analyst" as they now call themselves, I kept looking at Justin and joking about how weird it was to see our life on screen. There was a scene where the scout is sitting in a diner booth alone going over game notes, when he overhears a mom with her small children sitting at the counter seats. One child says "Mom, I miss Daddy." I looked at Justin and it was like each of us was getting a glimpse at what the other person's life is like when we aren't together.

   Even Justin was laughing at how he thought his personality is a bit like Clint Eastwood's character. No nonsense, cursing, workaholic, perfectionist, not into feelings talks, etc... But by the end of the movie you see the softer, more loveable side of Eastwood and it made me smile. Because that's what I see in Justin. He puts up his walls for some people, but I know better. He doesn't necessarily care if you love him or hate him. But he cares that I love him and I love that.

   I was thinking as we sat there on the couch, nestled up under our blanket, about how far we've come and where we have been in our relationship over the years. Valentine's morning 15 years ago was when we announced our engagement to our families. It has been a wild ride since then and a lot has transpired. But I love where we are at in our love for each other and I love the possibilities of where we can be headed together.

   I love that Justin supports me in the things that are important to me, even if they aren't to him. I love that he puts up with my quirks and -ism's and sees the humor in it rather than judging me for it. I love that he appreciates me and makes sure he lets me know. I love that while he hates noise, chaos and interruptions, which is essentially life with kids, he loves his kids and cares if he is a good daddy to them. While it would be nice if he didn't work quite so much, I love and appreciate that he is a hard worker. There are a lot of things I love about him and a lot of things being married to him has taught me about myself. I am glad we are in it together and thankful to have him by my side in this journey of life.

Chattanooga, TN - August 2013

Our Little Valentines

A tradition that began years ago, when our family was half the size it is now, has been for Justin and I to wake up early to make our girls a special Valentine's breakfast. School was cancelled today because of snow and ice, so we didn't have to wake up quite so early this year, which was an extra special treat!

Things I love about these pictures...

1. Maryn has on her old lady shawl because the girls were having a proper tea party with their stuffed animals while Justin and I were cooking. I love that my 10 year old is still a little girl, in no rush to grow up. She also has her much loved 70's mug she bought  with hard-earned "music bucks" in music class back when we were living in Oregon. I swear she will pack that up and take it off to college with her someday, she loves it that much!

2. I love Lulu's expressive antics! She was pulling faces at me even behind her cocoa mug. Last night we got a bag of hand-me-downs from a friend. She was THRILLED and did a twirly fashion show, showing off all her new clothes! This morning she made sure to scour her new clothing options for the perfect Valentine's outfit! She wanted to make sure that she was feeling sufficiently fancy at our family breakfast!

3. Devy said the prayer over breakfast and Justin and I couldn't help but crack our eyes at each other and silently chuckle! Our littlest is just getting so big! It still is so weird to hear her doing and saying big-kid things! We were joking at breakfast though that the way you spell Devyn is D-R-A-M-A! She was cracking me up with her Popeye grin, complete with a scuffed up face that was the result of taking a tumble out of a moving Power Wheels yesterday. That child is a force of nature!

4. Brynnie loves a good dose of silly! There was no shortage of her signature laugh as we all took turns speaking in British accents, having tongue curling contests (Brynna is my tongue-twin!) and doing bird calls to each other. (Sometimes table manners have to take a back seat....) Justin especially gets her in stitches, whether he is acting like an Australian or a Brit....but our favorite is his Michelle Duggar impersonation! ;)

I feel so very blessed to have such an awesome, little family to love! They truly have my heart!

Morning Walk

   I woke up this morning when the house was still quiet. Quiet in this house is a rare thing. I actually had time to assess how I was feeling before the demands of the day pulled me out of bed. I laid there for a minute, bothered that I was aware of the lump in my right breast. It was sore, like a bruise. Sometimes it burns. Other times it's fine.

   In late September I had it checked out. Mammograms, ultasounds and then a biopsy. It was benign. Hallelujah. But I hate that it is still there, nagging my subconscious. I am sure it is fine and it is just one of "those things", a harmless annoyance.

   But in the back of my head there is that little voice that wonders if it's tied to me feeling so badly lately. It's not like I am bed ridden or anything. But I just feel "off" and I wish I knew why. I wish I had answers. I wish I could feel better.

   Then part of me wonders if it's my brain making me feel this way? If I pulled myself up by my boot straps and mentally pushed through I would be fine, right? But then part of my wonders if I am so worn down because I have been doing that for so long? Not confronting and addressing how I feel?

   I have patiently been waiting for a week for the results of my blood tests, so I could hopefully have some answers. Hoping everything will be fine and fearing at the same time that there will be nothing conclusively wrong, because then there is no reason for the way I feel. I am sure it is simple as an iron deficiency or something simple to fix. But the waiting, the wondering, the quietly worrying...I'm ready to move past that.

   I decided rather than lay there and start a new day already feeling moody and perplexed, I would get up and venture outside, going solo. The quiet, the stillness, the fresh air and beauty of the morning cleared my head. I asked God to help this veil of depression to lift, to help me be myself again.

   I didn't have any impression that He heard me in that moment. But as I walked and looked up at the snow-dusted canopy of His creations I knew that He is aware of all the things made by His hand. Including me...and I felt some measure of peace in that.

**Update: As today has progressed I can feel my mood lightening, excitement in my heart about things and my weariness starting to fade. It is that confirmation that Heavenly Father is letting me know he heard the prayers of my heart.** 

Anti-Social

   I deactivated my Facebook account at the beginning of January.

   It's not that I am against it or anything. I just couldn't figure out what real purpose it served for me? I had stayed on so that I could keep in touch with gym people, church people, family, etc... But mostly it was just a barrage of needless information from people I would otherwise have very little interaction with. Nothing against them. I just don't know why I need to be abreast on every detail of their lives. I decided that gym people I could see at the gym and those I were close to could text me if they needed me. I got emails about all the church stuff, so really Facebook was just a needless double-dip. I decided family I could still follow on Instagram and could of course email, text, or call.

   Over time I had grown really used to checking something when I got on my computer though. Now I log on and can literally be done in minutes. Really all I check is email and my bank account. It feels weird closing the lid of my laptop after just a couple of minutes. I am just now realizing how much time I spent needlessly filling my mind with information I didn't even need.

   Old habits die hard though and tonight I logged onto Pinterest, just to have something to mindlessly look at. But I found that after a few minutes I got annoyed and logged off. It made me wonder if I am just becoming more and more anti-social? Am I turning into a jaded stick in the mud?

   The thing is, I don't really care what twenty pancake recipes someone pinned that they will probably never try. I am going to use my go-to family recipe for the rest of my life because I love how it makes me feel tied to generations of family that went before me.

   I don't care about the slew of fantasy pictures of a friend of a friend's dream living room. My reality is, my kids destroy everything. Four, young kids aren't exactly a good mix for white sofas and $250 throw pillows. So I am not even dreaming of anything nice until they leave home.

   I REALLY don't care about adorable, little Valentine crafts (or any other holiday for that matter). Truthfully, crafts annoy the hell out of me. I am happy to just cover the essentials like grocery shopping and making it to the bottom of a laundry basket. I will get next years Valentines this year, the day after Valentine's when they go on clearance.

   I would be blissfully content if I never saw one of the fifty million posts about how many squats and crunches you need to do to get the perfect body ever again. I am not a self-motivator and wouldn't do a routine on my own at home anyways. That's why I go to the gym, where someone else just tells me what to do.

   I don't care about someone else's constant obsession with what is fashionable right now. Truthfully, if I am not in scrubs, I am in jeans. I don't have money or time or places to go in which to worry about if I am at the height of fashion. I try not to look like Tonya Harding in '94 or anything, but the truth is, that kind of hyper-focus on the exterior is not in alignment with my reality.

   Am I sounding like a lot of fun yet? I swear, I am...and practical to a fault!

Due to doctor's orders, boss's orders, coach's orders, friend's orders and husband's orders I am making myself slow down and do nothing. And frankly tonight I felt bored. I can't even tell you the last time that happened...it's weird.

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

   Well, I fell off the blogging map because I started The Whole Life Challenge and was dedicating my focus to that. The Challenge wasn't strictly Paleo, but had strong Paleo foundations. I was doing it because I really wanted to prove to myself that I could commit to the challenge aspect of it and take my nutrition to the next level in terms of health and clean eating.

    I didn't want to lose any weight, but was hoping for more strength and muscle definition. I put my heart, soul and dedication into it and followed the program as prescribed. Basically three weeks in I couldn't ignore the bad things that were happening to my body. Right out of the gate I lost four pounds and then my strength started to nosedive. I was extremely weak and fatigued. My blood sugars fell through the floor. This was not supposed to happen!! I couldn't understand (and still can't) how cutting out breads and sugars could have such an adverse affect on my body. I was eating a ton of veggies, good fats, fruits, meats, eggs and even yogurt and felt more weak and sick with each passing day. The day my blood sugar was the worst I reported to my boss what I had eaten and he said it didn't make any sense why it would be so low. That I had eaten plenty of the right things.

   I went off the Challenge about a week ago and have just been eating normally in moderation. I have gained 7 pounds in ONE WEEK as a result. I lost 50 pounds years ago just eating the way I have this past week (in moderation) and now I am gaining weight at about a pound a day?! I am so confused! I went to the doctor on Friday and they ran about 11 different blood tests on me to try and figure out what is going on.

   Ever since my teenage years where I tried every diet known to man, I had always been very much against diets. But I made a concession with this because I didn't see it as a diet, I saw it as a lifestyle shift towards clean eating, not dieting. All I know is I am never doing any kind of program ever again. I hope this hasn't permanently messed my body up and I hope the weight gain will taper off and I can get it back to where my starting weight was just by making smart choices.

  I am anxious to get the results of my blood tests back to see if the diet triggered an underlying issue or if it was just the diet itself. Either way the whole experience was extremely disappointing.