Maybe I call myself a hermit crab too much and it has become something of a self-fulfilling prophesy? Tonight when I came home Justin told me he was proud of me, for doing something he knew was out of my comfort zone. I like to be in my own bubble, living life on my own terms. Where the people around me are as devoted to me as I am to them. Is this me, or is it a wall I have built over time and through formative years of perceived rejection?
I am not anti-social by any means. I can laugh, carry on a conversation, make eye contact, give a firm handshake. All those things that don't make me a darting-eyed, social freeb. (Although I do get nervous and fight a pounding heart and shaky voice when I know all eyes in the room are on me, and only me.) However, despite being able to 'put on a good show' as my mother (who is very much like me in that way) says, I avoid social situations with people I don't know, as much as I can. I am just as happy to be with my family and extremely small group of people I would actively seek out.
But Maryn made a friend this year named Bridgette Bissell. Bridgette has a mother named Suzanne. It is crazy odd how much the four of us all just seem to have known one another before, in the sense that we can just relate. Maryn has found someone in Bridgette who gets her, and vice versa. I have been amazed at how everytime I talk to Suzanne I find it almost eerie how much she just kind of seems to get me, even though I have myself pegged as a friendly odd-ball.
Long story short, Suzanne started a book club and invited me to come sit with a room full of strangers and talk about books. I like books...even if talking to strangers sounds about as fun as a squirt of lemon juice in the eye. But I like Suzanne and want to support her and more importantly get to know one another better. So I go. And I have a little shaky voice when everyone is staring at me as I introduce myself, but I survive. And I meet some really great women. Of course their is the over-opinionated, offbeat neighbor who Suzanne invited so as not to offend. But two women in particular, Tita from Columbia and Alejandra from Peru, I had a wonderful time talking with after the group discussion. It wasn't like the obligatory small-talk that usually sets me on edge.
They talked about their cultures and how important it is that their children have a sense of where they came from. I talked about how when I was a girl I envied my Greek best friend because she had a culture. I know I do too, but I don't have it documented. There are stories I want to learn. Stories I want to tell. Experiences about our backgrounds that I want to share with my girls, except that I don't know what they are yet.
I am currently working towards a degree in Healthcare Administration that is about as practical as it gets. It was never a dream of mine, but lean times in the past have left me in fear of the unknown and it is a steady, responsible choice. Somewhere lurking in the back of my mind is the feeling, that I must know if my world gets pulled out from under my feet again, that I can make it. That I can take care of myself and those I love.
But I am tiring of fear of the unknown being the motivator of my focus. I am tiring of becoming educated solely to make a living. I want my education to give more meaning to my living. I want the things I learn be something that I can draw my kids into, rather than isolate myself with. I don't want to study business law, statistics, or memorize anatomy and codes. I want to leave a legacy. I want to learn my story and tell it, and I want to tell the story of those who went before me and never got to say it. I want my daughters to know all the parts and places on their Family Tree that they belong to and are intertwined with. Instead of the responsible Bachelor's in Healthcare Administration, I want to get my Associate's in Family History Research.
It makes me wonder if Heavenly Father prodded me out of my comfort zone tonight, to a new friend's house, so that I could learn about two interesting ladies and their cultures? I wondered if He knew that that conversation was sprouted to help me realize what it is I want to to with my time academically, as impractical as it is. I feel like the meaning I have been searching for has just been unearthed.
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