I can only hope to be as consistent as President Eyring in recording those tender mercies that Heavenly Father blesses our family with each day. Lately though my mind has been full of them. I knew that they needed to be recorded somewhere besides the scattered regions of my brain.
This past year has been a refiners fire for me personally and for my family as a whole. I remember a year ago at this time, as 2013 drew to a close, that I felt there was something on the horizon and I needed to hold on tight. Just a few weeks into 2014 it all seemed to hit me a once. I had the first crisis of my health, developments in my marriage had brought it to the breaking point, and financial concerns kept cropping up with our rental house that threatened to devastate us.
"Hang on, just hang on..." a voice seemed to whisper to me. I don't know who it was. Perhaps it was the Holy Ghost, although at times it felt like the unseen hands and whispers of angels. I can't describe why I felt this way, but I felt the influence of my grandmothers on the other side of the veil lifting me when the road ahead felt too hard to bear. One night I sat in the temple parking lot as I read their patriarchal blessings and sobbed at the realization that in their own ways, and in their own lives, they could relate to what I was going through. That beyond the white hair and years, they were women just like me, with lives full of experiences that could offer empathy, even in their physical absence. The things that in my pain and privacy I couldn't open up to people about, they understood and saw and because of that they were able to be with me and guide me.
Hanging on, even when it was the hardest thing to do, saved me. Because of the white knuckle grip those unseen hands somehow managed to help me keep, the Lord was able to guide me to sources of strength and to help me find peace or resolution for challenges that I was facing. After surgery, uncertainty, and more time in the doctor's office in the past 12 months than I have in the past 30+ years, I am ending this year in a much better place than I began it, in terms of my health.
At one point this year, after many years of trying, I stood at the heart-wrenching precipice of deciding if ending my marriage with my husband was the right decision. Wanting so badly to feel a wholeness in our relationship, that had long felt elusive, but fearing my heart and trust could never be mended. After counseling, a lot of work, and allowing the Atonement to work for both of us, I feel more at peace in our relationship than I have since the day it began. In addition, Justin has started to come to church with us again, to pray with us again, and to turn to the Lord in his own ways. As I watch his transformation emerge, my heart and it's ability to love and forgive have transformed and changed too. I can honestly say that working from and through the depths of my sorrow has born a love more honest than ever.
In terms of hope financially, we were finally able to sell our rental house and with it the financial strain and uncertainty of being landlords on a property we were consistently losing money on. Rather than feeling like we are constantly sinking, there is the hope to keep treading water towards brighter days ahead. Additionally, I was led to opportunities to gain a love of the scriptures this year. I was able to fulfill the longtime goal of going back to school this year. Justin and I will be closing on our family's forever home in a few short weeks. Finally as this year closes, after so many hard years before, I can feel a sense of hope and peace on the horizon.
Around me I see friends who's grips are slipping as the challenges and adversities of life pile up. It breaks my heart and I find myself on my knees pleading with the Lord to provide those heavenly whispers "Hold on, just hold on..." to them as well. Watching the struggles around me and reflecting on my own has brought to my remembrance the many, many blessings and miracles that I have watched come to pass this year. It has helped me to see how much I have grown in my testimony and understanding. It has helped me to better understand the Lord's plan, timing, and purposes. It has deepened my understanding of God's love for me individually and an unshakable faith that His promises are sure.
Tonight as I was wiping countertops and listening to my scriptures on my phone, the thought occurred to me that I undeniably know which team I am on. I am on the Lord's side. The truths and benefits of the Gospel have been made so abundantly clear to me, that I know without a doubt the condemnation that would come upon me if I ever turned away from it. Not that I ever had plans to, but as I watch friends who were rock solid slip and slide away, I see that the adversary can get his grips in anyone. But this year has opened my eyes to the bigger picture in so many ways.
The way I saw the Lord's hand in my life today was that solidifying witness, in my own private moment, that everything that has happened in the past year, and years before that building up to now, was to bring me to that knowledge. To cement the path of discipleship before me and to help me better come to love and know my Father in Heaven and Savior, Jesus Christ. That there has been purpose in the pain, and it was to bring me to the exquisite joy and peace that comes from allowing the Savior to guide your path and making the conscious decision to follow Him.