I've really been having a hard time with the mental drain that is work lately. I have a good job. My boss is fair. It works with my schedule about 75% of the time. The people I work with are good people, and for the most part easy to be around. And yet....being there lately just takes the life out of me.
I've examined my feelings, trying to figure it out. At times I can pinpoint it to certain people. But when I step back and am objective, I know, like I said, that I work with good people, who are just trying to live their lives. It's not as if they lay awake at night trying to conspire ways to zap my energy.
What it is, I think, as grateful as I am for a good job, is knowing I will never have a voice there. Just shut up and work, and smile when you are supposed to. I could go into specifics, but I won't. I will just suffice it to say, some people want to give so little that they aren't concerned that it's at the expense of their team or morale. To overcompensate, others care so much they can't relinquish any control, rendering all others voiceless. Negativity over some situations suck some into a vortex of worry and perceived offenses, that then permeates the work environment. Everything must be fair, even if it's not practical or beneficial. If someone is happy, that means someone else must be unhappy. Smile to ones face and then whisper behind ones back. Above all else, never say how you really feel out loud. Having an opinion is looked down upon, or causes so much drama it's not worth the investment. Offense is so fragile a thing to some that they must be handled as if you may emotionally crack them at any moment. It's exhausting. I just want to be able to go to work and do my job.
I know the only thing I can change is myself, and I know that I am not perfect. But I already have so much on my plate in life, that I struggle with having to give so much mental energy to a situation I really can't control or change. I've tried and nothing ever changes. I'm not in a position to not work right now. So I know that I have to work on the change I can control, and that is me committing to take it all with a grain of salt. But some days it's hard, and I find myself wishing there was some place for me. A place where everyone wanted to be there, and everybody wanted to give their very best, and team was not a word, but an environment in which every person was equally committed to creating. That's what I wish for.