Asking Forgiveness

   Many times when I find myself in prayer, asking for forgiveness for the same offenses over and over, I want to shrink at my weakness, rather than bring them to the Lord...again. I was impatient. I was quick to anger. I wasn't soft-spoken. I was too opinionated. The list could go on.

    I am well aware that my road to perfection has a lot of speed bumps and pot holes. Sometimes the adversary can get in my ear and tell me to not bother to pray. That Heavenly Father is tired of the daily report of my imperfections. However, peace came to my heart as I read Helaman 3:27 where it said "Thus we see that the Lord is merciful unto all who will, in the sincerity of their hearts, call upon His holy name." 

    It's nice to be reminded that the Lord isn't merciful to just the star students of life who only have good reports. He is merciful to all, who in humility can bring their shortcomings to His feet, and offer them up, and ask for His help. It brings me peace to know that while I don't deserve it, Jesus Christ fills the gaps I create daily, through His atoning sacrifice. Their love for me, despite my unworthiness, makes me want to keep picking myself up and trying, knowing Their mercy is there to help me through each day. It is my prayer that as I continue to bring my flawed self to Their feet, that eventually my actions will become a truer reflection of my love for them.

My Forever Family

I wrote this tonight about an experience I had at church yesterday... 
    

  I sat surrounded on the hard, metal chairs at the rear of the chapel by my four, young daughters. The hushed, but busy noises of families with small children surrounded us as our Bishop turned the time over for the bearing of testimonies. My eight-year-old, Brynna, laid her head on my shoulder and looking up at me with eager, blue eyes whispered “Mom, I want to bear my testimony!”

      I smiled at her and told her to go ahead. My heart swelled in my chest as I watched her little, blonde head determinedly make its way from the very back of the chapel, up to the pulpit for the first time. I certainly was never as brave at that age. What she said made my heart swell even more though. She stood in front of the congregation and peering over the microphone said “I would like to bear my testimony that I know my family is forever and I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.”

      Of all the gospel principles she could have born a simple testimony of, it touched my heart that this was the principle in her heart and on her mind that day.

      You see, my husband is inactive and has made the decision not to come to church with his family anymore. So every Sunday I load the kids in the van, find a row of empty, metal chairs and bring our daughters to church by myself.

     It took a while, after his decision was made, for sitting in Sacrament Meeting not to be a painful experience. Surrounded by other families who had their husband or dad on their row with them. While I was grateful, it hurt to have to ask my friend’s husband to give my children blessings when they were sick or needing comfort, instead of having a worthy Priesthood holder in my home to turn to. Many times I would find myself sitting in the temple on Ward Temple Night, keenly aware that my “date” wasn’t with me and wondering how my family’s situation translated on an eternal perspective. 

     Though participating in church activities usually meant my quiet sorrows were just under the surface, threatening to show up in the form of hot tears I would try to fight back at the mention of priesthood or eternal families, my commitment and resolve to staying active myself and making sure our daughters were raised with a knowledge of gospel principles sustained me. Slowly the pain of these situations eased as the joy of the gospel filled in those sad and hollow places in my heart. 

     By continuing to come to church each week, I was allowing myself to be reminded of Heavenly Father’s love for me. I was reminded that He knows me and my situation personally. I was reminded that He has plans for my life. I was reminded, as my daughter bore testimony, that my family is forever. That if I earnestly strive to be worthy of promised blessings, that Heavenly Father will work miracles. Maybe those miracles will be in my heart, in the ability to endure faithfully. Maybe they will be in my husband’s heart, in the desire to nurture a seed of faith. Maybe the miracles will be in the lives of our sweet daughters as they grow and their own faith is strengthened with the understanding from a young age that a testimony doesn’t just happen, but is something that must be worked for. 

     Whatever the Lord has in store for me, I know it is what I need. I have faith in His plan and know my Father in Heaven also desires my family to be a forever one. And I know that the realization of that starts with me.