My Forever Family

I wrote this tonight about an experience I had at church yesterday... 
    

  I sat surrounded on the hard, metal chairs at the rear of the chapel by my four, young daughters. The hushed, but busy noises of families with small children surrounded us as our Bishop turned the time over for the bearing of testimonies. My eight-year-old, Brynna, laid her head on my shoulder and looking up at me with eager, blue eyes whispered “Mom, I want to bear my testimony!”

      I smiled at her and told her to go ahead. My heart swelled in my chest as I watched her little, blonde head determinedly make its way from the very back of the chapel, up to the pulpit for the first time. I certainly was never as brave at that age. What she said made my heart swell even more though. She stood in front of the congregation and peering over the microphone said “I would like to bear my testimony that I know my family is forever and I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.”

      Of all the gospel principles she could have born a simple testimony of, it touched my heart that this was the principle in her heart and on her mind that day.

      You see, my husband is inactive and has made the decision not to come to church with his family anymore. So every Sunday I load the kids in the van, find a row of empty, metal chairs and bring our daughters to church by myself.

     It took a while, after his decision was made, for sitting in Sacrament Meeting not to be a painful experience. Surrounded by other families who had their husband or dad on their row with them. While I was grateful, it hurt to have to ask my friend’s husband to give my children blessings when they were sick or needing comfort, instead of having a worthy Priesthood holder in my home to turn to. Many times I would find myself sitting in the temple on Ward Temple Night, keenly aware that my “date” wasn’t with me and wondering how my family’s situation translated on an eternal perspective. 

     Though participating in church activities usually meant my quiet sorrows were just under the surface, threatening to show up in the form of hot tears I would try to fight back at the mention of priesthood or eternal families, my commitment and resolve to staying active myself and making sure our daughters were raised with a knowledge of gospel principles sustained me. Slowly the pain of these situations eased as the joy of the gospel filled in those sad and hollow places in my heart. 

     By continuing to come to church each week, I was allowing myself to be reminded of Heavenly Father’s love for me. I was reminded that He knows me and my situation personally. I was reminded that He has plans for my life. I was reminded, as my daughter bore testimony, that my family is forever. That if I earnestly strive to be worthy of promised blessings, that Heavenly Father will work miracles. Maybe those miracles will be in my heart, in the ability to endure faithfully. Maybe they will be in my husband’s heart, in the desire to nurture a seed of faith. Maybe the miracles will be in the lives of our sweet daughters as they grow and their own faith is strengthened with the understanding from a young age that a testimony doesn’t just happen, but is something that must be worked for. 

     Whatever the Lord has in store for me, I know it is what I need. I have faith in His plan and know my Father in Heaven also desires my family to be a forever one. And I know that the realization of that starts with me.

New Skirts

 

I noticed last Sunday that almost all of Maryn and Brynna's Sunday dresses were getting just a little bit too short. These girls just keep on growing! So yesterday when I was at Target, Maryn and I picked out some new skirts for them. It was fun picking out something that was kind of a miniature version of something I would wear myself, rather than something more juvenile. As I was getting them ready and doing their hair this morning I just kept thinking about how grown up they are getting. It weirds me out a little, but at the same time I really love this age they are at. They aren't so old that they don't want to hear anything I have to say, but old enough to share my accessories with, talk about lip gloss and nail polish and still think their momma is okay. I kind of wish I could freeze them actually.

Mean Mom

This was the view off of the balcony this past October when I spent four, glorious days in Florida with my girlfriends. No husband, no kids, no work, no demands, no schedule, just 100% recharge time. I could really use a dose of this right now.

I know it sounds awful to want to get away without my family, because I do love them so very much. But dang it, I am zapped. I came home from that trip with my well so full. I wanted to and was ready to be a better wife and mother after I had a chance to catch my breath.

Right now, I just feel like mean mom.

Justin has been gone a lot and when he is home he is working all the time. That leaves me to make sure teeth are brushed, meals are cooked, groceries are bought, babysitters lined up, go to work myself, laundry, cleaning, playing referee, making sure the kids are loved, pay the bills, balance the checkbook, delegate, entertain... you get the idea.

Tonight I was talking to Maryn about standing up straighter. (When she sulks she assumes a very vulture-esque pose that can't be good for her neck or back...) Brynna immediately chimed in "Well, do I do that?" My brain snapped. 

It seemed like every time I tried to have a conversation with any of her sisters today (or any day really) she wanted to know how the conversation correlated to her. For instance, I happened to find a baby picture of one of the girls buried in some stuff and Brynna immediately wanted to know if I had a baby picture of her in there too. I can tell someone their drawing is really good and she wants to know if her drawings are really good too. It may seem stupid, but it seems like she is always fighting for 100%, exact equality in all things to prove my love....and truthfully it makes me want to scream. I tell her all the time that I love all my girls equally and that expressing love to someone else doesn't take away from or diminish the love I have for her. That praising someone else doesn't mean I don't also feel proud of her.

So tonight when she interrupted my conversation with Maryn to compare it to herself, like I said, my brain snapped. I looked at her and said "Brynna Grace, I love you to bits. You are a great kid, but NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU!!! I am not talking to YOU right now!!!" She stood there and puddled up, fighting back tears, the same way I do when I don't want to cry, and turned and silently went upstairs.

Now that the house is quiet and I am not overwhelmed by the swarming of activity and noise I wish I could go wake her up and tell her I am sorry for losing my temper. I wish I could tell her I was that insecure middle child too, who always just wanted to know where I fit into the mix. Who always wanted to belong.

I swore to myself so many times as a kid that I would never forget what it felt like to be a kid. I felt so strongly from a very young age that grown-ups didn't get it. I promised myself I would never be that person. But here I am, very much that person. And it makes me sad. Sad that life has overwhelmed me so much that I have lost the vision of what life is like from their young view.

............................................

I couldn't stand it any longer. I had to go wake her up and tell her I was sorry. Through tears I told her she was always in my heart. I told her I remembered feeling the same way as a kid. I told her I loved her even when I was a mean mom. She smiled sweetly, hugged me and told me it was okay.

Having children can really take it out of you, but I am thankful to have their examples. They love so freely and forgive so easily. So many times I tell them (usually during those "This is a life skill." moments) that I am raising them to be adults someday. But I hope that in the process of raising them, they can continue to teach me to remember and see life like a child.

Project 365 {2013} - Day 307

Maryn & Brynna playing at the park together this afternoon.

When I was a girl, I wanted a sister so badly. Seeing my girls being each others best friend feels like a piece of that dream realized and makes my heart so full.

Project 365 {2013} - Day 226

Brynna and Lauryn waiting for Miss Kathleen to take them to another day of learning!

On Monday and Wednesday mornings, my friend Kathleen takes the girls to school for me so that I can spend some time with Devyn getting her up and going with her day. The other days of the week, I take Kat's kids to school with us. It works out so nicely and makes me grateful that the village I have helping me in my journey raising children is such a good one!

Project 365 {2013} - Day 191

Brynna and Lauryn haven't always had the rosiest past together. Out of all our kids, it seemed like most of the tiffs that erupted, were between these two. So it has been really heartwarming to watch them develop a real friendship this summer. They beg every night to "have a sleepover" and it just made my heart squeeze tonight to see that they have turned a corner in their relationship with each other.

Project 365 {2013) - Day 190

 

I have been in the process of transferring over my Project 365 from Facebook to the blog, which had sat untouched for an embarrassing amount of time. As I looked back on old posts and videos from when the girls were smaller though, my commitment to start anew with this old blog really cemented in my heart. How much time have I spent over the years, since I stopped blogging regularly, digesting stupid crap on Facebook that I don't even really care about? Too much. On Facebook I can't look back and take in memories and stories the same way I can looking back on this old blog. One that has seen our family multiply and travel across the country and back. I want my memories here. I want my family's stories and moments here. In a place free of other distractions or opinions. A place where the focus is my heart, my family.

Maryn, seeing me dust off my blog, wanted to do the same and reconnect with her blog that she hadn't touched since we lived in Oregon. Then Brynna, seeing Maryn have her own space for thoughts, started begging for her own blog. So today when I got home from work, Brynna and I hijacked Justin's laptop and worked, putting one together for her that was tailored just to her personality.

I am excited for them to have that outlet to capture life's little moments from their perspective. It takes each of them a really long time just to type out a paragraph. But I love that they are excited to put that effort into it and have something that is their very own. I hope as they do it more, it will become easier and they will be able to capture a love of writing. Justin has even said he wants to get on here and contribute. It just makes me so happy to see steps being regained towards documenting our life and journey in a better way.

If you want to check out their new projects, here are the links to Maryn's and Brynna's blogs!

Project 365 {2013} - Day 180

I swear Brynna is going to be 6 feet tall someday! Today the girls and I went to Target to see what some options were for school shoes. (I can hardly believe the summer is already halfway over!) As we were heading to the back of the shoe section, we passed through a clearance rack of ladies high heels. The girls, just wanting to have fun, pulled some on to teeter around in. Brynna pulled down a ladies size 7, slipped them on and they fit her just right....a ladies size 7 at 8 years old! I am a full grown adult with larger than average feet at size 9 1/2! My 8 year old is only two and a half sizes smaller than me! It was so crazy to me how fast these daughters of mine are growing up!

Maryn immediately started razzing Brynnie about how she had gigantic feet. You better believe that I nipped that in the bud pretty dang fast right then and there. I told Maryn sisters don't ever talk down to one another like that. That if sisters do anything, it is build each other up. That her sister's feet are the perfect size for her and that she can walk proud in them and in who she is.

Brynna grinned and took a couple laps around the aisle. She said "I like being tall because then I can always reach high things!" I hope Brynna, and all my girls for that matter, always feel comfortable and confident, despite what sets them apart or makes them different, in who they are. That they will always humbly know how beautiful and smart and capable they are and never let anyone diminish that. That God made them perfect just as they are.

Project 365 {2013} - Day 171

I have been loving Thursdays the last few weeks. All the girls are home when I get off work and we can go hit the pool before dinner! (I was impressed that Brynna had even coordinated her toenail polish with her swimsuit!)

Project 365 {2013} - Day 164

 

I love watching a storm roll in. Watching the power and force of nature at work. So tonight I was like a kid in the candy store, as I watched from my front porch lightning flashing and listened as thunder let forth deafening booms and dark clouds steadily marched forward blocking out the light of the sun. 

Justin and the girls retreated indoors while I stood outside taking it in until the rains came. When I came inside I was met with tears from Brynna and dirty looks from Justin, both of who were completely convinced I was going to kill myself standing on our covered front porch while a storm was forming. If I would have ever felt danger I would have been the first one hightailing it to the basement. But there were no high winds near us. Just the still air below and the atmospheric push above. 

It's just part of living in the South. Storms happen and I guess I just kind of take it in stride. Justin called me stubborn. I called him Chicken Little. And Brynna, well we had to break out a brigade of stuffed monkeys to make her feel better. All I know is I am glad it was all uneventful here at Casa de Young and we all lived to disagree another day on how to react to bad weather.

Project 365 {2013} - Day 160

Brynna is working away on some thank you cards right now. From her friends for her birthday she requested random acts of kindness be performed for others instead of receiving gifts. We decided the best part of special events in life is not the things, but the experiences we share with others and wanted to focus on that. So many family members though gave her sweet and thoughtful things that she was feeling so blessed and loved over! She had some wonderful gifts to open and is a lucky girl to be cared about by so many.

Different In All The Right Ways

My daughters' education is really important to me. I have tried to do what I can as a parent to facilitate the importance of learning being imprinted in their young minds. I am no rocket scientist. But over the years I have learned that I am a whole lot smarter, stronger and tenacious than I ever gave myself credit for growing up. I wonder what could have been if I would have believed in myself? What potential I could have tapped? (With that said, I firmly believe it's never too late to turn a new leaf. I don't live in the past.) So when what is coming home from my daughter's school is invitations to test for the gifted program or straight A report cards, I find myself proud of them. Proud of them for taking the wonder of learning seriously. For caring to give their full potential a chance at coming to fruition.

But then I have those moments where my pride is magnified even further, when I realize that my girls are growing not only into good students, but good people. They are not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. None of us are. But their cores contain amazing goodness. In them I see people who aren't afraid to march to the beat of their own drum, regardless of what the crowd is doing. I see people who are willing to do the right thing. People who have their priorities, even at this young age, straight.

One night as Justin and I were sitting on the couch, after the girls had gone to bed, we talked about all the ways they were different than other kids their age. Like how Maryn isn't concerned with being popular, she is concerned with being herself and seeking to be a friend to the friendless. She had a tough time last year navigating the social world of school. This year she made the decision all on her own, to go into this year with her head held high. Confident in who she is. It doesn't bother her if girls are dramatic or if her best friends at school are guys. She is comfortable with who she is and what she does.

Brynna wondered out loud one day "Why do people make a big deal out of what you wear? You go to school to learn. It's not a fashion show!" This is the child that fought me on uniforms last year and now loves them. I have had people tell me years ago "Oh wait until they get to those years where all they want is Abercrombie and Justice!" I got sucked into the labels when I was younger and the labels never brought me happiness. I am glad that Brynna is learning that what is important is not what is superficially projected from the outside, but what we are nurturing on the inside. One of her goals this year is to be a STRIVE student. STRIVE is a program at the kids' school that seeks to teach and develop positive character traits. STRIVE students are those chosen out of the student body that exemplify the purpose of the program. I'm glad Brynna knows that it's important to take care of our bodies and our appearance. But what we look like doesn't make us a better person.

One day the girls and I were watching videos about an outreach in India that supports leper colonies in bettering their lives. (Rising Star Outreach) When Maryn was a baby I sponsored one of those sweet kids and yearned to be able to go to India and volunteer. As our family grew and my focus turned to them, that dream grew distant in my mind. So it was really cool, all these years later, sitting there with my daughters watching these videos and seeing the same spark ignited in them. Maryn said it would be good to sponsor one of those kids for Christmas instead of getting a bunch of presents. We talked about how we could develop our talents to help bless the lives of others. We daydreamed of all of us going together someday. That moment made my heart full.

And grateful.

That in a world that tries to pigeon-hole you, define you and tell you who you are supposed to be, I have daughters who are learning to be themselves. To be different in all the right ways.

Bath Buddies

 Lauryn and Devyn being bath buddies!

Monday, Mondays....I started working one or two days a week back at Dr. Taylor's office about a month ago. I started with Dr. Taylor, who is a pediatric dentist who also does orthodontics, when Justin and I first moved to Georgia back in 2000. When Maryn was born in 2003, as much as I loved everyone there, I quit to stay at home with her. Now nine years and three more babies later I am back! It's been a nice, little outlet for me and keeps my brain cells firing. But waking up at 5:00 a.m. and not getting home until about 6:45 p.m. on Mondays makes for a long day.

So I was grateful to be able to come home and give my Littles their bath before bed tonight and watch them play. It's so strange, it doesn't seem like that long ago that it was Maryn and Brynna singing and playing in the tub. Now they can run their long-legged selves to the shower and do their own thing. But my Littles, they still love a good hair-washing from Momma and relished giggling as they saw how ticked off they could get me with their splashing. I am ready to freeze these two. Because if the passage of time with their sisters has taught me anything, it's that these little, squeezable years fly by way too quickly.

Brynna's Awards Ceremony

 

Brynna accepting her Presidential Award for Academic Achievement

I feel weird bragging on Facebook about my kids, but this is my blog and I will do what I want to! This morning I was able to attend Brynna's end of year award ceremony at her school. I was so proud of that little nugget and the good kid that she is. Not only was she recognized for her attendance and academic achievement, but was also one of the few kids in her class to receive a citizenship award as well. I whispered to her after it was over that I loved that she was smart, but I loved even more that she was smart AND had a good heart. That was what made me the most proud of all.

Brynnie and her 1st Grade teacher, Mrs. Welsh

**As a post note, we did not get the memo that kids had the option to not dress in uniform this day and could dress up for the awards ceremony. So when Brynna showed up in her P.E. sweats and many other kids were wearing dresses and ties I thought I was in trouble. But Brynna didn't even mention it bothering her. She just went with the flow. One of the things I love about Brynna is that she has an understanding heart. She's learned being my daughter, that I truly do try my best but often fall short and she is so often so forgiving of my shortcomings. I just love that about her! 
P.S. I still think she is a beauty even in her old P.E. sweats! ;)