Project 365 {2013} - Day 179

To me family is everything. Time and time again it has been family (and friends who are loved as family) who have been the hand of God in my life. This past Christmas Justin's brother, Kevin, and his wife, Missy, were so dang good to us. It was one of those years where the company Justin was then working for had taken some really big hits and things were not good. I am not really a material person and it's never been my big focus at Christmastime. But I still hoped we could pull off a few gifts to put under the tree for the girls. Then a package showed up from Kevin and Missy and it it was Christmas morning in a box. Everyone had something and everyone was so thoughtfully considered. I was blown away. This was so much more than our usual family gift exchange. Kevin, knowing how much Justin loves taking Instagram photos, had a collage of some of our photos printed off on a poster. It was really cool. Finally this past Father's Day I had it framed for him so we can hang it up in our house. When I look at it I get such a wash of emotion. Partly because the photos tell stories about our life together as a family and places we have been. But also because it represents to me that cementing love of family, both immediate and extended, and I am again reminded that through them I know God cares.

Project 365 {2013} - Day 178

There is something you should know about me...I hate crying. The only thing worse than crying is crying in front of other people. So imagine my excitement on Tuesday when in a moment of feeling completely overwhelmed by work and just life in general, I just started crying. I couldn't hold it back and was so embarrassed I had broken down in front of everyone. Today when I came into work, my co-worker Randi had left this on my desk (in addition to a much loved bag of peanut butter filled pretzels from Trader Joes! But needless to say those didn't take too long to get torn into!) Her words in the card and beautiful flowers brightened my day and gave me courage to keep my chin up. I am grateful beyond words that I have the opportunity to work with such a great group of people who love and support each other. Each and every one of them have extended love or encouragement to me at one time or another. I am so blessed and hope I can be the bright spot to them in some way that they all are to me.

For Mary Elizabeth

Tonight I received a phone call that I knew would come someday. But it didn't stop the sting and mix of emotions when it finally did come. My Dad's tearful voice on the other end of the line let me know that my Nana had passed away.

Part of me was in disbelief at first because I had just been talking to Justin about her, around the time my Dad said she actually passed. I was talking about how I wanted to see her. She and my Aunt Jody, who has so lovingly taken care of her, have been on my mind the past week. I was wondering how long she would have to remain in her infirmed state. It has been three years since her life-changing stroke and I wanted for her to be whole again.

My first reaction to the news was relief for my Nana. I had been thinking about how frail she has gotten and how hard every little daily task is for her. When I heard she passed, I imagined in my mind's eye her walking through the veil of this life and into the next. I imagined her body and mind being restored. I imagined her being welcomed by all those who had passed before her. And I was happy for her.

Then over the line I heard my own mother say "I am happy for her." and then her voice cracked as she continued "But she is my mother." In that moment my heart broke as I thought of my own mom and how this must feel. I immediately thought of how devastated I will be when that day comes when I have to say goodbye to her. My relief turned to sadness as the realization of the situation settled on me.

Through the mix of emotions though, I find myself so grateful for the life of my Nana. Her walk was not always easy, but she endured. She has taught me to endure and I am grateful for the legacy that she forged for me. After her stroke three years ago, as we sat in her hospital room, she kept talking about the light. She had lost almost all her verbal skills and yet she kept persisting about The Light. She saw a light. She was ready to go to it. She was prepared to meet her God. When she realized it wasn't her time she was upset, because she was so ready. But her work wasn't done.

Now, in retrospect, I am able to see the purpose of her staying. Of what a little, fragile, white-haired, mostly non-verbal woman was able to accomplish in her remaining years on Earth. And I am yet again amazed at God's goodness and plan for each and every one of us.

I feel a peace, as I sit here and type, that my Nana fulfilled her purpose and it was her time to rest from this mortal state. I will miss her so very much. The softness of her skin. The feel of her manicured nails as they softly scratched your back. I will miss the way she always coiffed her hair and sucked in her cheeks for pictures. I will cherish memories of her annual visits every Christmas as a child. I will cherish the memory of her standing outside her little house on Northview waving as we would pull away after a visit. I will miss and cherish the letters and cards I would find in my mailbox in her perfect, cursive handwriting. I will miss so much about the small but amazing woman I named my firstborn after. She truly touched my life.

I am grateful to my core for the knowledge I have that families are forever. I feel so much peace at knowing that this parting is but temporary. I find myself with even greater resolve to live my life according to God's plan, so that someday I can meet with her again.

Grateful Heart

I woke up this morning cocooned in warm blankets that protected against the nip in the morning air. I could hear the older girls playing happily upstairs in the playroom. I got up and walked into Devyn and Lauryn's room and was greeted by ear-to-ear grins and happy, little voices. I came downstairs and was welcomed with a smile from my husband and music filling the airspace around the breakfast table. As Devyn and I munched on our granola, she kept grinning at me and patting my shoulder. I LOVE it when she pats my shoulder! Brynna ran downstairs to give me a squeeze before she was off to play again. After finishing breakfast, I was off to go upstairs to get showered so I can meet up with my friend Laura this morning...and then I stopped and felt the moment. I said a prayer in my heart thanking my Father in Heaven for my life and for the many, many good things in it.

When I was in my twenties I thought that true happiness or contentment would finally be achieved when we had a beautiful home filled with nice things, new cars and could afford to go wonderful places. I thought happiness was never having conflict. I thought happiness was when the Lord blessed you with the things you wanted right away....

Happiness, and I had to take a moment to record this so that my children know, isn't any of those things. Happiness resides in a home, regardless of size or furnishing, where there is respect and love. Happiness is knowing that even if your van has 118,000 miles on it, it is paid for and starts each time you load your kids into it. Happiness is knowing that you and the people you care about can survive tough times and live to love stronger and more earnestly the next day. Happiness is knowing that God loves you so much, that He knows what plan is right for you. Even if it means you have to wait and even if it means you have to work for it. Happiness is knowing that out of all the places in the world you could be, nothing compares to sharing a couch and staying in with a husband and children who love you with all the generosity hearts can hold. Happiness is having friends that you don't have to put on any pretenses for. Ones that love you like family and you know would do anything for you.

I have all these things.

My life is simple. But I want my children to know that I consider myself one of the most blessed women alive. Because I have everything that really matters. I have everything in life that I need. I think when we cultivate a genuine thankfulness for every need that has been met, our wants for the frivolous dwindle. Because we realize what is really important, what really matters and we find contentment and joy in those things. I know I have. I know that my life is blessed, beyond measure.