The Lord Provides

   I think we all will find times in our lives where we feel stretched thin and fear that we can not accomplish all that has been asked of us. Maybe it is embarking on a journey in continuing our education and struggling to find balance with our everyday lives. Maybe it is accepting a new assignment or calling at work or church. Perhaps we struggle in a relationship that requires much personal sacrifice to help it grow. Whatever the circumstance may be, I find such peace in knowing that the Lord is there to sustain us as we turn to Him in all things.

   Alma and his companions found this sustaining influence as they prayed for and sought wisdom in their dealings with the Zoramites before splitting up and going forth to preach the word of God. In Alma 31:37-38 it says "And after that they did separate themselves from one another, taking no thought for themselves what they should eat, or what they should drink, or what they should put on. And the Lord provided them that they should hunger not, neither should they thirst; yea and he also gave them strength, that they should suffer no manner of afflictions, save it were swallowed up in the joy of Christ..."

   They had a tall order in front of them and surely knew they would be met with some opposition. Yet they were blessed with a single-minded faith in God's plan and in His peace. They did not worry about the details because they knew Heavenly Father would work it out. I had a similar experience this week. Sunday morning I was seriously considering dropping my classes because my schedule for the next couple months is even busier than "normal" for me (which is already very busy) and I wasn't sure I would be able to keep up with my coursework. As I thought on it though, I came to feel a certain peace and the thought came to not stress how the whole semester would be handled. Rather I felt impressed to take it day by day, having faith that the Lord could help me accomplish the things I didn't think I could do alone. I am so grateful that the stresses and requirements of life can be taken in stride as they are swallowed up in the joy of Christ and in the knowledge that we are in His care.

Project 365 {2013} - Day 209

 

Standing in the kitchen, slicing cucumbers fresh from my sweet neighbor's garden, enjoying the citrus smell soaking into my skin as I squeezed juice from lemons and being strangely reminded of dyeing Easter eggs as I measured vinegar. Dashes of salt, pinches of sugar. Relaxing as the sounds of Ben Howard's "Old Pine" filtered through the computer speakers, transporting me to another place. Anticipating the summery char on the grilled chicken and refreshing cucumber salad for dinner. Enjoying the idea that all of my family, after a long month of fragmented togetherness, were all under one roof. Lulu wandered into the kitchen and I picked her up and we slow danced as I told her how I was so sure that God had made her just right.

I live for these moments.

Just minutes later cacophony broke out in the living room and the moment passed. Everyone was sent to their rooms for some "alone time". As I came back downstairs from making sure everyone made it to their rooms without killing each other, I took in what was before me. The house that I had spent four and a half hours cleaning the day before had been completely destroyed. After I recovered from the initial annoyance of my peace and hard work being disturbed, I mentally shrugged it off and decided to not let it negate the goodness I had just experienced. 

That's just the way life is.

If we never had those moments where we had to mentally, physically, emotionally or spiritually push through, we would never fully understand or appreciate the good that does come into our lives. I had a moment of gratitude for those experiences I have had in my life. Ones that lifted and strengthened me and also the ones that have crushed my heart and soul. Because they have all given me perspective, which I have decided is one of life's most precious gifts.

Project 365 {2013} - Day 208

After a long week of working and single parenting for me and a grinding schedule and drive home from Orlando for Justin, we had the opportunity to close the day out together and with some good friends at their lake house. From our perch on the front of the boat, Justin and I watched the sun recede behind the hills surrounding Lake Arrowhead. The pink light rippling towards us on the water, as if the sun was blowing us one last kiss. 

I took my hair out of its ponytail, enjoying the feeling of the wind blowing through it, tossing it about. As I breathed clean air into my lungs, I looked over and saw the view breathing life back into Justin's tired body. I even loved the evening chill as it made the fine, blonde hairs on my arm stand on end and the spray of water as the boat circled for a downed skiier.

I couldn't help but think that this is the way life was meant to be lived. Aware and grateful for all the details that make it beautiful.

Project 365 {2013} - Day 202

 

I picked up my Bountiful Basket yesterday morning and it had kale in it! As soon as I laid eyes on it, I started craving this soup I used to make with kale, kielbasa, cannelloni and tortellini in it. So tonight I set about to fulfill my craving. The smell of onion, garlic and thyme filled my kitchen. My cutting board was loaded up with green, leafy kale. Sausage sizzled and popped in the bottom of my pot as it mingled with other flavors. I had butter and eggs coming to room temperature on the counter to make cookies afterwards. Then Justin called to say he was on his way home after being gone most of the week at an event. It just felt right.

What it felt like was normal; which is a fleeting feeling for me as of late. And by as of late I mean since about 2007. I have had this struggle over the past several years, amidst life events and craziness, to feel normal. To feel like me. To feel like the happenings of my day have anything to do with me or my interests. To take the time to feel inspired, even if it is just from the smells of garlic, onion and thyme sizzling in a pot, or think about something besides time management and crisis prevention.

In my mind I always revert back to when I feel like I last "had it together". This unfair standard I hold myself to because honestly, my life was different then. I had two children instead of four, (all of which my world would not be complete without), my full-time job was being a mother and running a home instead of working a full-time job AND being a mother and running a home. Life had not yet made me face some of my scariest fears and I had the ignorance of youth on my side.

I was talking to my dear friend Angie, whom I just love, after church today. She asked me how I was doing and said she had been thinking about me. I told her I felt like I was kind of coming out of a valley I had been in mentally, but was doing okay. She shared with me her own thoughts and struggles on motherhood, life, spirituality and keeping it together. I was so grateful for those big, blue-green eyes staring back at me with nothing but pure honesty and realness filling them to the brim.

I have found that people love for you to see their best, but it takes a true friend to honestly share their struggles to help you feel and see, no matter who you used to be, that you are still "normal". That it is going to be okay and that even if recapturing our ideal seems a long distant destination, it's not a road we travel alone. Even when it feels like you are the only one who has lost their footing on the gerbil wheel of life and are being thrown about mercilessly on it. Others are tha-thunking around right on with you, battling their own struggles or losses.

My goal is to work towards being at peace with the pace of my life. To be more deliberate about taking the time to connect with me. To let things go. To stop worrying so much about making sure I don't disappoint anyone in the fifty million different aspects of my life. To be okay with not being everything to everyone. But to have the courage to keep showing up and trying.

My goal is for my mental ideal to not be some unachievable point in history, but wherever I am currently at in life. To measure myself by who I am now and the victories I am achieving currently. Even if they are as small as not throwing a DiGiorno in the oven for dinner.

To embrace being a work in progress and taking things one day at a time.

For Mary Elizabeth

Tonight I received a phone call that I knew would come someday. But it didn't stop the sting and mix of emotions when it finally did come. My Dad's tearful voice on the other end of the line let me know that my Nana had passed away.

Part of me was in disbelief at first because I had just been talking to Justin about her, around the time my Dad said she actually passed. I was talking about how I wanted to see her. She and my Aunt Jody, who has so lovingly taken care of her, have been on my mind the past week. I was wondering how long she would have to remain in her infirmed state. It has been three years since her life-changing stroke and I wanted for her to be whole again.

My first reaction to the news was relief for my Nana. I had been thinking about how frail she has gotten and how hard every little daily task is for her. When I heard she passed, I imagined in my mind's eye her walking through the veil of this life and into the next. I imagined her body and mind being restored. I imagined her being welcomed by all those who had passed before her. And I was happy for her.

Then over the line I heard my own mother say "I am happy for her." and then her voice cracked as she continued "But she is my mother." In that moment my heart broke as I thought of my own mom and how this must feel. I immediately thought of how devastated I will be when that day comes when I have to say goodbye to her. My relief turned to sadness as the realization of the situation settled on me.

Through the mix of emotions though, I find myself so grateful for the life of my Nana. Her walk was not always easy, but she endured. She has taught me to endure and I am grateful for the legacy that she forged for me. After her stroke three years ago, as we sat in her hospital room, she kept talking about the light. She had lost almost all her verbal skills and yet she kept persisting about The Light. She saw a light. She was ready to go to it. She was prepared to meet her God. When she realized it wasn't her time she was upset, because she was so ready. But her work wasn't done.

Now, in retrospect, I am able to see the purpose of her staying. Of what a little, fragile, white-haired, mostly non-verbal woman was able to accomplish in her remaining years on Earth. And I am yet again amazed at God's goodness and plan for each and every one of us.

I feel a peace, as I sit here and type, that my Nana fulfilled her purpose and it was her time to rest from this mortal state. I will miss her so very much. The softness of her skin. The feel of her manicured nails as they softly scratched your back. I will miss the way she always coiffed her hair and sucked in her cheeks for pictures. I will cherish memories of her annual visits every Christmas as a child. I will cherish the memory of her standing outside her little house on Northview waving as we would pull away after a visit. I will miss and cherish the letters and cards I would find in my mailbox in her perfect, cursive handwriting. I will miss so much about the small but amazing woman I named my firstborn after. She truly touched my life.

I am grateful to my core for the knowledge I have that families are forever. I feel so much peace at knowing that this parting is but temporary. I find myself with even greater resolve to live my life according to God's plan, so that someday I can meet with her again.