In late September I had it checked out. Mammograms, ultasounds and then a biopsy. It was benign. Hallelujah. But I hate that it is still there, nagging my subconscious. I am sure it is fine and it is just one of "those things", a harmless annoyance.
But in the back of my head there is that little voice that wonders if it's tied to me feeling so badly lately. It's not like I am bed ridden or anything. But I just feel "off" and I wish I knew why. I wish I had answers. I wish I could feel better.
Then part of me wonders if it's my brain making me feel this way? If I pulled myself up by my boot straps and mentally pushed through I would be fine, right? But then part of my wonders if I am so worn down because I have been doing that for so long? Not confronting and addressing how I feel?
I have patiently been waiting for a week for the results of my blood tests, so I could hopefully have some answers. Hoping everything will be fine and fearing at the same time that there will be nothing conclusively wrong, because then there is no reason for the way I feel. I am sure it is simple as an iron deficiency or something simple to fix. But the waiting, the wondering, the quietly worrying...I'm ready to move past that.
I decided rather than lay there and start a new day already feeling moody and perplexed, I would get up and venture outside, going solo. The quiet, the stillness, the fresh air and beauty of the morning cleared my head. I asked God to help this veil of depression to lift, to help me be myself again.
I didn't have any impression that He heard me in that moment. But as I walked and looked up at the snow-dusted canopy of His creations I knew that He is aware of all the things made by His hand. Including me...and I felt some measure of peace in that.
**Update: As today has progressed I can feel my mood lightening, excitement in my heart about things and my weariness starting to fade. It is that confirmation that Heavenly Father is letting me know he heard the prayers of my heart.**