Like a Broken Vessel

   Justin has fought depression for years and at times the fight has been very tough. Looking back, I didn't even realize at the time what it was because he hid it, or himself, from me. Denying anything was wrong. The silent suffering and the denial caused a lot of pain, both for him and for me. Thankfully we are at a place in our life together where he is learning to recognize when the dark fogs of an episode threaten to envelope him and will let me know so he doesn't have to silently suffer and I am not shut out, not understanding why.

   Justin is an extremely private person. Most people don't shout from the roof tops that they struggle with a form of mental illness. It's taboo. Frankly though, I am tired of it.

   On Monday, Justin came to me and told me that the actor Robin Williams had committed suicide after struggling with severe depression. He said it scared him to the core. He said that it's terrifying to think that the potential for that kind of sadness and despondency can be creeping around the periphery of one's mind. That it doesn't matter if you are talented, wealthy, well-known or well-loved. Depression takes no prisoners.

   Within minutes of learning the sad news he said he felt the anxiety and weight of being one who lives with depression begin to creep in. He sought solace in a talk given by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland entitled "Like a Broken Vessel" that he has referred to again and again in recent months when he has found himself in need of hope, peace and perspective.

   I watched it tonight to try to put myself in his shoes and gain some perspective on these current events. As I did, I felt my love for my husband swell. We all walk around every day with our quiet struggles. I know at the beginning of the year when everything in my life was colliding in one, big heap of crap, I felt it. I got a taste of it. Of the cruel, tight squeeze it puts on your mind and the shadow it casts over your whole view. I came through mine, but some people struggle with those feelings their whole lives. It's a sobering and humbling realization.

  It made me want to be kinder and more patient and understanding. I am grateful for the knowledge that we have a Father in Heaven who loves us and who understands us. Who has insight into our thoughts, motivations and struggles. Grateful for a Savior who paid the ultimate price so that one day we can be made whole again. Without infirmity of the body or mind. 

                 

Morning Walk

   I woke up this morning when the house was still quiet. Quiet in this house is a rare thing. I actually had time to assess how I was feeling before the demands of the day pulled me out of bed. I laid there for a minute, bothered that I was aware of the lump in my right breast. It was sore, like a bruise. Sometimes it burns. Other times it's fine.

   In late September I had it checked out. Mammograms, ultasounds and then a biopsy. It was benign. Hallelujah. But I hate that it is still there, nagging my subconscious. I am sure it is fine and it is just one of "those things", a harmless annoyance.

   But in the back of my head there is that little voice that wonders if it's tied to me feeling so badly lately. It's not like I am bed ridden or anything. But I just feel "off" and I wish I knew why. I wish I had answers. I wish I could feel better.

   Then part of me wonders if it's my brain making me feel this way? If I pulled myself up by my boot straps and mentally pushed through I would be fine, right? But then part of my wonders if I am so worn down because I have been doing that for so long? Not confronting and addressing how I feel?

   I have patiently been waiting for a week for the results of my blood tests, so I could hopefully have some answers. Hoping everything will be fine and fearing at the same time that there will be nothing conclusively wrong, because then there is no reason for the way I feel. I am sure it is simple as an iron deficiency or something simple to fix. But the waiting, the wondering, the quietly worrying...I'm ready to move past that.

   I decided rather than lay there and start a new day already feeling moody and perplexed, I would get up and venture outside, going solo. The quiet, the stillness, the fresh air and beauty of the morning cleared my head. I asked God to help this veil of depression to lift, to help me be myself again.

   I didn't have any impression that He heard me in that moment. But as I walked and looked up at the snow-dusted canopy of His creations I knew that He is aware of all the things made by His hand. Including me...and I felt some measure of peace in that.

**Update: As today has progressed I can feel my mood lightening, excitement in my heart about things and my weariness starting to fade. It is that confirmation that Heavenly Father is letting me know he heard the prayers of my heart.**