Sunday Series: Nurture Daily

I like to think of myself as one who can be strong. One who can handle it. One who can take care of those around me. This week though, brought me down. I was so tired. Tired of being strong. Tired of having to have all the answers. Tired of the questions and worry and doubt. I just didn't think my body and mind could take one more ounce of pressure. I have had so much weighing me down. Worrying about the balance between work and home. Worrying about some health concerns that have been scaring me with Justin. Worried about the continual roadblocks that keep getting thrown up in front of Justin in his efforts to find a job or even go back to school. I went to Maryn's Kindergarten program and was painfully aware of what I had given up to go back to work. I missed being there, volunteering each week in her classroom and being a room parent. Little things like coming home from work and seeing Brynna's hair in her eyes and knowing I wasn't there to do it in the morning bothered me. Not being the one to get Lauryn out of her crib in the morning. I missed being a mom, I missed the security of having my life planned out, I was sick with worry for Justin. Then on Friday, I just couldn't take it any more. I went in my room, pulled the covers over my head and sobbed. Sobbed out of anger, sobbed out of frustration, sobbed for everything that had been taken away from me. I wasn't angry at God. But I was angry at the world. Angry at circumstance. I didn't understand why we couldn't catch a break. Hadn't we been humbled? Hadn't we learned? Weren't we worthy of blessings? Even my dreams at night were restless. I would dream I was running as hard as I could, chest pounding, lungs gasping for breath, but my legs could muster no more than a stride, paralyzed in slow motion. As I sobbed I felt feelings creeping in that I don't usually struggle with. But this time I didn't have the strength to fight them off.

Then Justin came in and sat at the end of the bed and said "Sarah, let's talk." I hadn't wanted to burden him. I hadn't wanted to hurt him by expressing how burdened I felt, because I know he would never want me to feel that way. So I had bottled it up. But as I let it all come out, the anger started to melt away. It wasn't me alone, fighting the world to make sense out of every discouragement that came my way. It was me and him, as a team, weathering these storms, together. He was there to relate and encourage and lift me up. At Justin's suggestion, the next day we dropped the kids off at his parents and went to the temple together. It was just what I needed. A break from the hurry, the worry, the noise, the burden. A chance to think and refocus. I took away from it the thought that, it is better that we pass through sorrow in this life so that we may recognize the joys. The pressure I have felt is a stark contrast to the many joys I also have to be thankful for. It has made the good things in my life that much sweeter, because I know what their opposite is. I try much harder everyday to recognize them and not to take the good for granted.
This afternoon I went to make my daily check on my little garden. I was amazed at how it had grown. Just four weeks ago I had planted these tiny seeds in the soil and now they had just exploded with growth. As I picked a few strawberries off the plants for the girls to eat, I was reminded of what a little daily nurturing can do to a plant's life... and to mine. As diligent as I have been about checking my little dirt patch, watering it, making sure it is getting sun. I recognized the need to make sure I am doing the same with my spirit. Taking the opportunity daily to pluck out the weeds of bitterness, anger and fear from my soul. And to carry the same faith I have, that just as a nurtured plant will grow, so too can I, out of these adversities.

Brynna Grace

It seems like yesterday she came into my life and today she is four. Here is the entry I wrote in her baby journal four years ago about her arrival into our lives...

My Dearest Brynna Grace,

As I sit here and watch you sleep my heart is so full of love for you. You are such a bright spot in my life and I am so thankful to my Father in Heaven for giving you to your Dad and I. From the moment you were born I felt like I'd known you forever and I couldn't imagine our family without you being a part of it. Words can't express the love I feel for you, my daughter. I want to tell you the story of the day you were born. May 26, 2005 was a day I was looking forward to. It was the day my midwife said I could be induced if you still hadn't arrived past my due date. So by 7:30 am I was up, showered, and dressed. I called the hospital to see when they wanted me to come in. Bad news, there were no beds available. It seemed all the other pregnant ladies in Georgia had decided to go into labor. So your Dad and I waited hoping the hospital would call. At 1:00 I went to a doctor's appointment. After that, Dad and I decided to go out to lunch and get our minds off waiting. No sooner had our food arrived, the hospital called. A bed was available! We scarfed down a few bites, paid the bill and hurried to the hospital! You soon would be here! We arrived around 3:00 pm and I was given pitocen through an I.V., shortly after that they broke my water. Boy, did the contractions come on hard and heavy then. It was much more pain than I remembered having with your sister Maryn. I had an epidural about 45 minutes later. For some reason the epidural settled in my legs. So my legs were numb, but I could still feel my contractions and was having horrible back pain. The midwife said she expected you would be born around midnight. I hoped I could make it with the pain I was in. I told the nurse my back pain was intense. She said she would check with the anesthesiologist to see if something was wrong with the epidural. Before she left, she checked me and to everyone's surprise you were on the way out. They called for the midwife who barely had time to throw on a smock! Two pushes later, you were in my arms. Your Dad cried, I cried. We couldn't believe it, you were here and we were so in love with you...We are so blessed. Brynna, I want you to know how grateful we are you are in our family. We chose your middle name, Grace, because it means a special gift from God. That's what you are. You came to us so unexpectedly but we couldn't be more grateful to have you. Your spirit in our lives is truly a blessing. I look forward to filling the pages of this journal as I watch you grow. I hope you know, now and forever, how happy I am to be your mother and how much I love you.

All My Love,
Mom

I just cried all the way through typing that because I still feel the same. I feel so privileged to be her mother. I want Brynna on this very special day to know just how much I love her. Always and forever.

Party pictures to come...

Memorial Day

I think one of the reasons I love traditions so much is because when I was growing up, my parents always tried to make traditions a part of my brothers and my life. One of those traditions on Memorial Day was to buy flowers and go to the Marietta National Cemetery and decorate the graves of those who had fallen on our behalf, fighting for our freedoms. As a child I remember always wanting to put my flowers on the grave of an Unknown Soldier. It felt to me that one who lost their life in service of their country, whose name wasn't even known, needed my little gesture of love even more. I am so grateful for that tradition my parents gave me. This year I decided the girls were old enough to understand and were ready for me to pass it on to them. So we piled in the van and drove down to them same cemetery I walked with my family as a girl. Justin and I told the girls to quietly walk among the gravestones and for each of them to choose two graves to place flowers on.

Since Maryn began reading her world has opened up and she is constantly drinking in as much as she can into that thirsty little mind of hers. She walked around reading the gravestones, pondering, wondering much like her Mom and Dad about the lives lived before hers.

Brynna took a moment to remind me not to talk. I had told them this place was special, like church, and that we needed to be reverent.

Like me as a child with the Unknown Soldiers, Maryn and Brynna were drawn to the graves of infants. They felt these little ones whose lives were so short, needed their little tokens of love and so they placed their flowers there.

Brynna would ask us to tell her the stories on the gravestones. Justin told her this man's name and said that he had served in four wars. She thought he definitely needed her flower.

Maryn recognized that this grave said 'Joseph Smith' which is a name that is meaningful to her because she knows that Joseph Smith was a very important prophet. So she wanted to place her flowers there.

And while Lauryn is starting this tradition younger than her sisters, I hope as we go back each year she too will feel the reverence and the pride of being a citizen of this great land. We are so very thankful to those who make our freedoms possible.

Sunday Series: Secure in Him

"Security" by David Bowman

I saw this print when I was in Boise last October, visiting my Nana after her stroke. I bought it to put in the girls' room, because at the time they were feeling nervous about the dark. I wanted them to look at it and know, no matter where or what the circumstances, they were safe and didn't need to be afraid. I also loved what it represented at that time with my Nana's situation. Her stroke was a humbling thing to see. She had become so frail and so childlike. She lost much of her speech and was only able to tell us "Light, light... I wanna go." It was hard seeing her frustration as she realized that it wasn't her time. That she would be with us for awhile more. She realized she couldn't speak well. You could sense she knew life would not be the same. While it was hard to see, I also knew that my Nana is a woman of great faith. I knew that she could call on her Savior in her time of fear and uncertainty. The same way my little girls could in a dark bedroom and feel the security of His loving embrace. I am grateful for the knowledge that just like my Nana and my daughters, whatever fears or uncertainties come our way in life, we too can find comfort, security and love. In that embrace we will find the confidence we need to press on and fulfill His plan designed just for us.

To Do...

You know the feeling when you have a million "To Do's" flying around in your head but struggle to bring any of them to fruition? Well, that's kinda the story of my life, but hey, you gotta roll with it. It seems life has been passing by at warp speed lately. It is hard to believe that this next week is the last week of May. I've got to start making those nagging to-do's happen! This next week I have Brynna's birthday coming up, last week of school for Maryn, I need to order flowers for Adam and Amanda's Georgia wedding reception (ahh, just did it, check! See blogging isn't a total waste of time! It made me hold still long enough to think about it!), cover boxes in fabric for the centerpieces, about a bazillion cupcakes to make, get the carpets cleaned, clean out closets and sort through outgrown stuff, remember we're switching to the summer schedule at work next week, which translates into don't be the only moron that shows up at 8:00 and everyone is already in surgery, make memory board for reception, make baby gifts, bake Jesse cookies since he tore his ACL, clean the house destroyed by my little lovelies, figure out what the heck I'm gonna wear to the wedding, get in my weekly work-out quotas because I learned Laura, my motivator extraordinaire, doesn't take any crappy "I'm too busy" excuses, be a wife and mom... and on and on and on.

Luckily though, starting June 2nd it's all gravy. My Mom flies into town and I am going to turn off all the mental noise and just slow down and enjoy my Momma! Then on the 4th we leave for Arizona. I'll get to see all of Justin's family, which is always awesome. We're also going to drive to Tucson to meet up with my grandparents, whom I haven't seen in 10 years and also my brother Matt and his little fam-a-lam. Then Justin and I are off to glorious, kid-free, relaxation by ourselves for a couple of days! Then after we get back, our friends the Adamson's are coming into town. It's all nothing but good, fun stuff! So at least there is an end in sight to all my crazy cuckoo-ness! Now I just need to get my boo-tay in gear and think productive thoughts!

Haircut...Finally!

Well it's official, I feel like a real girl again! There is just nothing better than getting your hair cut and after six long months I finally got one! Hooray!!

Marietta Greek Festival

Justin and I each have a friend who is Greek and it would seem their Greek-ness has unconsciously rubbed of on us! We've found that both of us have taken a interest in Greek food, words, and traditions. So of course, when we heard word that the Marietta Greek Festival was going on this past weekend, we knew we had to go! We actually were able to meet up with Justin's friend Pete, his wife Ritsa and their daughter Anastacia. It was a lot of fun! The highlight among all the fun food, traditional dancing and energy though, was the coin skirts they were selling in the marketplace. We let the girls each pick one out and soon it seemed every little girl there was sporting one! The girls asked if they could run off and dance in the amphitheater. I consented since I could see them from where Justin and I were relaxing, eating loukoumades. I snuck over for a closer look though and found that the girls had wasted no time making many new friends. I even caught a rare moment of Brynna, who is just like her mother, letting loose and uninhibited, unaware of my watchful eye. It was so fun seeing her shed the shyness and dancing freely! Opa!

Sorry I couldn't get these videos turned the right way!