Hanging On Extra Tight

    Sometimes in life you have the opportunity to see the way your life could have played out right in front of you, in a way that shakes you to the core. It makes you scared and grateful all at once, like standing on the other side of an accident that should have killed you. I have had the opportunity to reflect over the last week, as I have watched heavy things go down in a friend's life, on how it's the small moments that have the greatest impact. It's all these tiny bits and pieces, those choices, that lead us up to the defining moments where we see what we are made of.

    I can't tell you how many times I have walked up to Justin in the last few days and just tilted my head into his neck, right under his chin, where we fit together just right, and breathed him in. We are here, he is mine, and we made it. We weathered the storm. We have talked about how scary it is to realize how close we came to losing it all. That our lives could be separate right now. That pictures of those moments that a life was built on could be nothing more than a painful reminders of distant, happier past life.

   I have shed tears at the loss of others and gotten down on my knees and thanked God for preserving our marriage. For repairing what was broken. For speaking to us, and helping us to have ears to hear, so that when those small moments led up to those defining decisions, His will was known. I am grateful He knew what we didn't. That this life was worth fighting for. That our marriage had the power to become what we each needed it to be, even when it seemed all was lost. That beyond anger and hurt of the past was friendship in it's truest form waiting on the other side.

   I wish I could tell my friend in a way that she would hear that beauty can be born from heartache, and a deeper love from from our hardest times. But I feel like I am shouting into the wind, and my words aren't heard. All I can do now is hold on extra tight, and thank my Father above for giving us the strength to fight for this life. To remember how close we came to losing it all. To know that happy families don't just happen. To remember that anything worth having in life is worth working and fighting for.

   As I tuck under his chin, and his arms envelope me as they pull me close, I know my life with Justin is just as it should be. We are a miracle. Our life together is a miracle. And I will thank God every day for it.

"I'm a Rebel, Dottie"

   Random quotation from Pee-Wee's Big Adventure there. My brothers and I used to watch that movie and laugh and laugh as kids. Good times. But I am feeling like a rebel because the kidlets are finally in bed and I am supposed to be balancing my checkbook, picking out a new insurance plan, and putting in about 3 hours of homework tonight. But instead I am here, in my happy place, the ol' bloggerito, sharing a picture that makes me very happy. 

   We took family pictures the day after Halloween and let me just tell you, it was FREEZING cold outside!! Our hair, we had spent way too much time on, (beautifying five heads of hair ain't no easy thing, folks!) was blown to bits within seconds by giant gusts of seemingly arctic winds. We had chattering teeth and red noses. The downpour from the night before left us with wet bums after posing for our first picture in the grass. I kept looking at Justin and giving him the "This is a disaster, I should have rescheduled" face. It was kind of like a metaphor for our life though. Things rarely go according to plan. You have to adjust and accommodate to what life throws at you and just smile at the fact that we are all together! Actually, we are all smiling here, but really it's just because I had bribed the kids with a steamy mug of Roma!

   Like every crazy bump in life though, I am grateful it was experienced together, as The Young Crew. I am truly grateful for a husband that loves me, gets me, and has been with me through it all. For four, beautiful, smart, spunky, hilarious daughters who fry my patience and inspire me daily. Arctic blasts, wet bums and all, I am one blessed woman.

Like a Broken Vessel

   Justin has fought depression for years and at times the fight has been very tough. Looking back, I didn't even realize at the time what it was because he hid it, or himself, from me. Denying anything was wrong. The silent suffering and the denial caused a lot of pain, both for him and for me. Thankfully we are at a place in our life together where he is learning to recognize when the dark fogs of an episode threaten to envelope him and will let me know so he doesn't have to silently suffer and I am not shut out, not understanding why.

   Justin is an extremely private person. Most people don't shout from the roof tops that they struggle with a form of mental illness. It's taboo. Frankly though, I am tired of it.

   On Monday, Justin came to me and told me that the actor Robin Williams had committed suicide after struggling with severe depression. He said it scared him to the core. He said that it's terrifying to think that the potential for that kind of sadness and despondency can be creeping around the periphery of one's mind. That it doesn't matter if you are talented, wealthy, well-known or well-loved. Depression takes no prisoners.

   Within minutes of learning the sad news he said he felt the anxiety and weight of being one who lives with depression begin to creep in. He sought solace in a talk given by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland entitled "Like a Broken Vessel" that he has referred to again and again in recent months when he has found himself in need of hope, peace and perspective.

   I watched it tonight to try to put myself in his shoes and gain some perspective on these current events. As I did, I felt my love for my husband swell. We all walk around every day with our quiet struggles. I know at the beginning of the year when everything in my life was colliding in one, big heap of crap, I felt it. I got a taste of it. Of the cruel, tight squeeze it puts on your mind and the shadow it casts over your whole view. I came through mine, but some people struggle with those feelings their whole lives. It's a sobering and humbling realization.

  It made me want to be kinder and more patient and understanding. I am grateful for the knowledge that we have a Father in Heaven who loves us and who understands us. Who has insight into our thoughts, motivations and struggles. Grateful for a Savior who paid the ultimate price so that one day we can be made whole again. Without infirmity of the body or mind. 

                 

"Trouble With The Curve"

   When it comes to love languages and all that, mine is not being showered with gifts and expensive dinners out. In fact I kind of resent the commercialism that is shoved down people's throats when it comes to holidays and all these built up expectations people get. I just want face time or kind gestures. So last night Valentine's Day was perfect for me. Justin made the girls and I a delicious chicken pasta dinner. It had grilled asparagus, zucchini and a cream sauce...I had three bowls, so apparently it was delicious! ;) We ate as a family and then we sent the girls upstairs to have a "Girl Party" and watch a movie while chowing on popcorn and Twizzlers. Justin and I settled in on the couch and he rubbed my back. (So much better than putting on heels and braving the crowds!)

   I wasn't that excited about Justin's movie choice, "Trouble With The Curve" thinking it was going to be some boring, sports movie though. I was really wrong. In fact, I loved it. Probably because I felt like I could relate to aspects of the movie, like I was watching our life in some ways. It details a father-daughter relationship with a longtime baseball scout. Being married to a basketball scout, or "Recruiting Analyst" as they now call themselves, I kept looking at Justin and joking about how weird it was to see our life on screen. There was a scene where the scout is sitting in a diner booth alone going over game notes, when he overhears a mom with her small children sitting at the counter seats. One child says "Mom, I miss Daddy." I looked at Justin and it was like each of us was getting a glimpse at what the other person's life is like when we aren't together.

   Even Justin was laughing at how he thought his personality is a bit like Clint Eastwood's character. No nonsense, cursing, workaholic, perfectionist, not into feelings talks, etc... But by the end of the movie you see the softer, more loveable side of Eastwood and it made me smile. Because that's what I see in Justin. He puts up his walls for some people, but I know better. He doesn't necessarily care if you love him or hate him. But he cares that I love him and I love that.

   I was thinking as we sat there on the couch, nestled up under our blanket, about how far we've come and where we have been in our relationship over the years. Valentine's morning 15 years ago was when we announced our engagement to our families. It has been a wild ride since then and a lot has transpired. But I love where we are at in our love for each other and I love the possibilities of where we can be headed together.

   I love that Justin supports me in the things that are important to me, even if they aren't to him. I love that he puts up with my quirks and -ism's and sees the humor in it rather than judging me for it. I love that he appreciates me and makes sure he lets me know. I love that while he hates noise, chaos and interruptions, which is essentially life with kids, he loves his kids and cares if he is a good daddy to them. While it would be nice if he didn't work quite so much, I love and appreciate that he is a hard worker. There are a lot of things I love about him and a lot of things being married to him has taught me about myself. I am glad we are in it together and thankful to have him by my side in this journey of life.

Chattanooga, TN - August 2013

Mean Mom

This was the view off of the balcony this past October when I spent four, glorious days in Florida with my girlfriends. No husband, no kids, no work, no demands, no schedule, just 100% recharge time. I could really use a dose of this right now.

I know it sounds awful to want to get away without my family, because I do love them so very much. But dang it, I am zapped. I came home from that trip with my well so full. I wanted to and was ready to be a better wife and mother after I had a chance to catch my breath.

Right now, I just feel like mean mom.

Justin has been gone a lot and when he is home he is working all the time. That leaves me to make sure teeth are brushed, meals are cooked, groceries are bought, babysitters lined up, go to work myself, laundry, cleaning, playing referee, making sure the kids are loved, pay the bills, balance the checkbook, delegate, entertain... you get the idea.

Tonight I was talking to Maryn about standing up straighter. (When she sulks she assumes a very vulture-esque pose that can't be good for her neck or back...) Brynna immediately chimed in "Well, do I do that?" My brain snapped. 

It seemed like every time I tried to have a conversation with any of her sisters today (or any day really) she wanted to know how the conversation correlated to her. For instance, I happened to find a baby picture of one of the girls buried in some stuff and Brynna immediately wanted to know if I had a baby picture of her in there too. I can tell someone their drawing is really good and she wants to know if her drawings are really good too. It may seem stupid, but it seems like she is always fighting for 100%, exact equality in all things to prove my love....and truthfully it makes me want to scream. I tell her all the time that I love all my girls equally and that expressing love to someone else doesn't take away from or diminish the love I have for her. That praising someone else doesn't mean I don't also feel proud of her.

So tonight when she interrupted my conversation with Maryn to compare it to herself, like I said, my brain snapped. I looked at her and said "Brynna Grace, I love you to bits. You are a great kid, but NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU!!! I am not talking to YOU right now!!!" She stood there and puddled up, fighting back tears, the same way I do when I don't want to cry, and turned and silently went upstairs.

Now that the house is quiet and I am not overwhelmed by the swarming of activity and noise I wish I could go wake her up and tell her I am sorry for losing my temper. I wish I could tell her I was that insecure middle child too, who always just wanted to know where I fit into the mix. Who always wanted to belong.

I swore to myself so many times as a kid that I would never forget what it felt like to be a kid. I felt so strongly from a very young age that grown-ups didn't get it. I promised myself I would never be that person. But here I am, very much that person. And it makes me sad. Sad that life has overwhelmed me so much that I have lost the vision of what life is like from their young view.

............................................

I couldn't stand it any longer. I had to go wake her up and tell her I was sorry. Through tears I told her she was always in my heart. I told her I remembered feeling the same way as a kid. I told her I loved her even when I was a mean mom. She smiled sweetly, hugged me and told me it was okay.

Having children can really take it out of you, but I am thankful to have their examples. They love so freely and forgive so easily. So many times I tell them (usually during those "This is a life skill." moments) that I am raising them to be adults someday. But I hope that in the process of raising them, they can continue to teach me to remember and see life like a child.

Buffalo Gals

We had a handyman come out to the house once to look at our downstairs lights. It seemed like there was always at least one bulb in our light fixtures that was always out, no matter how often we replaced our lightbulbs. I was tired of feeling like a cave dweller in half-lit rooms and was sure it was some wonky wiring job that needed to be fixed.

The handyman looked at our fixtures after having the problem explained to him and said "Where are your kids' rooms in relation to the lights that keep going out?" Puzzled, we answered directly above them. He said that was our problem. Our girls are so dang rambunctious that their constant jumping, stomping and horse-playing was breaking the filaments in our lights.

And people say it's the boys that are rough on things.

I just sent the girls upstairs to get jammies on and teeth brushed...it literally sounds like a herd of wild buffalo are running recklessly through the halls; stomping, jumping, yelling and loud-talking. On nights where Justin is gone, like tonight and what seems like so many other nights, where I am running this ship all alone while buffalo gals run amok, I get tired at the sheer responsibility that my life requires of me. But then I can't help but think that it will all be over before I am ready for it to be. When responsibility will wane and these halls and stairs will grow quiet. When lightbulbs will glow, undamaged by the ruckus and I will wish for the days that the sands of time didn't slip between my tired hands.

So tonight, I will grasp this moment. I will gather my fading energy. I will muster another push of patience and I will go hug and kiss my wild, rambunctious, wonderful, little herd of buffalo gals.

Project 365 {2013} - Day 307

Maryn & Brynna playing at the park together this afternoon.

When I was a girl, I wanted a sister so badly. Seeing my girls being each others best friend feels like a piece of that dream realized and makes my heart so full.

Project 365 {2013} - Day 301

 Today on the way home from school Lauryn wanted to get out of the van and run home again. I love her eagerness, so I consented. This time though, Devy, not content to stay in the confines of her carseat, begged to run too. So the side door flew open and we turned them loose at the front of the neighborhood and off they went! Maryn hung out the van window, taking pictures of Devy as she raced behind Lauryn, chugging her little legs all the way home! It's these little moments when I just feel I could not love the little lives I have been given to mother any more than I already do!

Project 365 {2013} - Day 285

We had such a fun in-gym competition this morning between the morning classes and the evening classes! It's amazing the bond that is forged with the people that you sweat with. You see each other at your strongest and see each other at your weakest. You celebrate each others successes and rally through failures. They see the real, totally unfiltered you. And they love you anyways. I am so, so grateful for my gym family. I just love them all so dang much and know if it wasn't for all their love, confidence and support of me, I probably would have bailed a long time ago in my CrossFit journey.

Project 365 {2013} - Day 271

Lulu woke up early all on her own this morning because she wanted to make her Momma breakfast in bed! I swear I have the best kids in the world!! I just love that Little Woman!!

Project 365 {2013} - Day 234

I got this in the mail today from my sweet Momma as a belated birthday gift. I love it!!!

Project 365 {2013} - Day 233

Good gravy this little woman is irresistible! Today was Devyn's first day of Preschool and she was so dang excited! She walked right into her classroom, hung up her bag and was ready to play and make new friends. While some other kids were whimpering and hanging on their mom's leg, Devy looked at me as if to say "Mom, I love you. Now scram." I gave her a hug and a kiss and off I went. It was weird for a second leaving my last baby there, a big kid doing the school thing, but then I decided to embrace it and be as thrilled for her as she was for herself. She had a great first day and feels like such a big girl with her own places to go and people to see!

Project 365 {2013} - Day 231

Have I ever mentioned that I really love being married to a man that likes to cook? Well, I do! I was especially happy when I came home, tired from a day at the office, and Justin had the batter for zucchini fritters all rip, roarin' and ready for me to fry up while he grilled up some chicken breasts! So delicious! If you would like to try them for yourself, he found the recipe here...

http://smittenkitchen.com/blog/2011/08/zucchini-fritters/

Project 365 {2013} - Day 206

Devyn's real birthday is tomorrow, but Laura's son, Lincoln's birthday is today. So we decided it would be fun to do a little joint, family party with the two of them at the same time. We loaded up the kids and headed to Pizza 3.14 and let the kids run with wild abandon and fists full of tokens. They declared it "The best party ever!!"

I could hardly believe, amidst the chaos of trying to capture the moment, that my sweet Devyn Ryan is three years old. She was such an unexpected surprise when she came to our family and has been a blessing to all of us ever since. I simply can not imagine our world without her sense of humor, her infectious grin and sweet sense of innocence. I love her so very much and am beyond grateful to have her in my life!

Project 365 {2013} - Day 203

My man is home.

Today was a good day. But after three and a half hours of sleep last night, an early morning workout and an almost nine hour work day, followed up by soaking up as much time with four, very energetic kids as I could before sending them to bed, I was exhausted. I could feel myself fading on the couch and getting grouchy.

Usually in this situation, with him gone, I would doze on and off on the couch, kicking myself for not just washing my face and going to bed. Mulling over in my head what I should have been accomplishing instead of dozing. But when Justin is home, with him comes life breathed back into my day. No one works harder than my husband and when it comes to his job he will grind. But he has the ability when it's quitting time to quit. To sit down and clear his mental plate and do what he likes. To do what makes him happy.

Tonight it's listening to music on his i-Pad. As he pulled up the Avett Brothers, I felt the strumming of the banjo melt my grouchiness. Then "Stand By Me" made me imagine the last time we were in Savannah, just the two of us, without a care in the world. Then we were joking around singing songs off the Dirty Dancing soundtrack. Then he brought home some funk with Ben Harper, moving and head-bobbing, dancing around the living room, feeling the music. Letting out noises like "Mmmm-hmmm!" like a Gospel Baptist Church congregation during the pastor's sermon.

My life is so much better, so much more full with him in it. He gives to me what I need. What I don't give to myself. The ability to clear my mind, to get me to loosen up and feel. It's one of those intangibles in a relationship that you kind of take for granted. But having him gone so much this summer and then having him back, you notice those things.

And it makes me fall in love all over again.

Project 365 {2013} - Day 188

I count myself pretty fortunate that after all these years Justin and I still think sitting on the couch, holding hands or snugged up together after the kids are in bed, qualify as a darn-near perfect evening. I just love that man!

Project 365 {2013} - Day 186

Ten years ago today I started a journey and new role that will be part of my identity for the rest of my life. Ten years ago today this Little Woman came into my world and made me a mother for the first time. I remember being so scared that I didn't know what I was doing. But then I looked at her tiny face and knew that despite my fear at my own inexperience, love would see us through. I did decide though long ago that oldest children should get a blue ribbon or something for being the one who has to go through every phase of life with a parent who doesn't know what they are doing for where they are at. I think Heavenly Father knew what He was doing when He sent me Maryn. She is kind-hearted and affectionate, forgiving and helpful. Her presence in our home has blessed our family in so many ways and I am so very grateful to have her as my daughter! Happy Birthday Peanut!!

Project 365 {2013} - Day 183

 

I adore this girl, who is FIVE years old today!! I can hardly believe how time has flown, how much Lauryn has grown up, what a crack-up she is and how her spunk keeps me on my toes. She is truly a one in a million kid and I am so grateful she is mine! I can't imagine life without her smile in it and I am so very thankful that on this day she came into this world and into our family. The Young Crew would not be complete without our Luey Belle!!

Project 365 {2013} - Day 182

I love this view! Everyone piled on one couch together, snuggling. My feet kicked up after a long day and Justin opening a love note filled with more love notes that each of the girls had piled into it and couldn't wait for us to tear into. I tell you what, despite peripheral crap, my life is just dang good!

Conference Thoughts

     I am amazed every six months how it seems like the things that are spoken about in General Conference were intended just for me or for someone I know. I had the opportunity to invite one of my CrossFit coaches, Josh, to come to the church building to watch it with us. It's always amazing how much more appreciative I am of the truths I have and enjoy when looking at it through the eyes of someone seeing it for the first time. It was just a really great and humbling experience.

     When I was younger, I was afraid of opening my mouth and declaring my faith. That I was a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I had been the object of persecution for my beliefs and being the shy person I was, it scarred me a little bit. But as I have grown in tandem with my testimony that fear has left me and those wounds of persecution have healed. I no longer fear the opinions of man, because my love of the Savior and His gospel is so secure.

     As Elder Jeffrey R. Holland stood to speak I turned to Josh and whispered in my most excited reverent voice, "He is one of my favorites!!" When the talk was through, as I wiped tears of wonder, love and gratitude from my cheeks, Josh leaned forward and said "Wow, I can see why he is one of your favorites." Then he added with a chuckle, "And he has great hair too!" Just one of the many things to love about this special apostle of the Lord. He talked about our commitment to our Savior, Jesus Christ, and recounted the story of Christ's visit to Peter on the shore of Galilee after His resurrection. His talk left me with the determination and desire to be able to say when I someday fall at my Savior's feet and if He asks me "Lovest thou me?" like he did to the apostle Peter, I too will be able to respond, "Yea Lord, thou knowest that I love thee." It is my hope that the sincerity of those words will be reflected in the content of my life.