Being Loved

    As I went to the sink to wash my hands I looked up and caught my reflection in the mirror. I smiled because the face staring back at me was one I hadn't seen in awhile. She looked amused, with eyes that twinkled like they knew something. Her face looked tired, yet rested at the same time. Her hair was askew, but playful. The flush on her cheeks captured days gone past; while the lines on her face, like the corners of her eyes that happily crinkled like tissue paper, told a story of life lived. Missing was the dull eyes, the slumped shoulders and the deep, drudging lines of stress and sleep deprivation pulling on her face. Even at the hour where one day imperceivably meshes into another, she looked almost...beautiful.

    Life has been so busy for Justin and I, with school, work, and other obligations. It feels like we hardly see each other anymore. But this weekend, he is mine. We watched a movie together, pretzeled on the couch, legs and arms all intertwined. We laughed at the -isms in our personalities that we have each grown to find endearing. We walked under the inky, black sky of a flawlessly clear night, speckled with stars, and wondered why it had been so long since either one of us looked up? We filled our lungs with the sweet scent of honeysuckle that meandered it's way through the still night air. He listened as I jabbered about the transport I felt to my childhood days on Autumn Ridge Parkway, when that delicate sweetness seeped into my senses. We made plans to take our Little Women strawberry picking once the sun rises and yields a new day. We marveled at the half life lived while our freezer has been devoid of scrumptious, sweet, tart, ruby-red, strawberry freezer jam. (You know life is far too busy when you have subjected yourself to over a year of mediocre, store-bought jam!) We looked into each others eyes and smiled. We kissed like teenagers. We basked in the absolute comfortability of married life. I know him, he knows me. There is no face to put on, no pretense, no uptightness. Just pure, comfortable honesty.

    The man who put the twinkle in my eye, and smooths lines from worry to lines of life, lies next to me in bed right now. Softly snoring ever so slightly, as his chest rises and falls. When I am with him, without distractions, I can feel the burden lift. Life without him weighs me down. Like trying to run against the current of the ocean's waves. With him by my side I can feel those waves start to recede, and each moment is a step closer to dry, warm sand where I can lay and rest without fear in that moment of being swept away. The woman who carries so much responsibility is free to just be the girl he loves.

    As the upturned corners of her mouth caught me off guard and smiled back at me in the mirror tonight, my reflection whispered to me a truth that had escaped me for awhile amidst the stress of life. One that age, circumstance, or life cannot erase. Being loved makes you beautiful.

Hanging On Extra Tight

    Sometimes in life you have the opportunity to see the way your life could have played out right in front of you, in a way that shakes you to the core. It makes you scared and grateful all at once, like standing on the other side of an accident that should have killed you. I have had the opportunity to reflect over the last week, as I have watched heavy things go down in a friend's life, on how it's the small moments that have the greatest impact. It's all these tiny bits and pieces, those choices, that lead us up to the defining moments where we see what we are made of.

    I can't tell you how many times I have walked up to Justin in the last few days and just tilted my head into his neck, right under his chin, where we fit together just right, and breathed him in. We are here, he is mine, and we made it. We weathered the storm. We have talked about how scary it is to realize how close we came to losing it all. That our lives could be separate right now. That pictures of those moments that a life was built on could be nothing more than a painful reminders of distant, happier past life.

   I have shed tears at the loss of others and gotten down on my knees and thanked God for preserving our marriage. For repairing what was broken. For speaking to us, and helping us to have ears to hear, so that when those small moments led up to those defining decisions, His will was known. I am grateful He knew what we didn't. That this life was worth fighting for. That our marriage had the power to become what we each needed it to be, even when it seemed all was lost. That beyond anger and hurt of the past was friendship in it's truest form waiting on the other side.

   I wish I could tell my friend in a way that she would hear that beauty can be born from heartache, and a deeper love from from our hardest times. But I feel like I am shouting into the wind, and my words aren't heard. All I can do now is hold on extra tight, and thank my Father above for giving us the strength to fight for this life. To remember how close we came to losing it all. To know that happy families don't just happen. To remember that anything worth having in life is worth working and fighting for.

   As I tuck under his chin, and his arms envelope me as they pull me close, I know my life with Justin is just as it should be. We are a miracle. Our life together is a miracle. And I will thank God every day for it.

"Trouble With The Curve"

   When it comes to love languages and all that, mine is not being showered with gifts and expensive dinners out. In fact I kind of resent the commercialism that is shoved down people's throats when it comes to holidays and all these built up expectations people get. I just want face time or kind gestures. So last night Valentine's Day was perfect for me. Justin made the girls and I a delicious chicken pasta dinner. It had grilled asparagus, zucchini and a cream sauce...I had three bowls, so apparently it was delicious! ;) We ate as a family and then we sent the girls upstairs to have a "Girl Party" and watch a movie while chowing on popcorn and Twizzlers. Justin and I settled in on the couch and he rubbed my back. (So much better than putting on heels and braving the crowds!)

   I wasn't that excited about Justin's movie choice, "Trouble With The Curve" thinking it was going to be some boring, sports movie though. I was really wrong. In fact, I loved it. Probably because I felt like I could relate to aspects of the movie, like I was watching our life in some ways. It details a father-daughter relationship with a longtime baseball scout. Being married to a basketball scout, or "Recruiting Analyst" as they now call themselves, I kept looking at Justin and joking about how weird it was to see our life on screen. There was a scene where the scout is sitting in a diner booth alone going over game notes, when he overhears a mom with her small children sitting at the counter seats. One child says "Mom, I miss Daddy." I looked at Justin and it was like each of us was getting a glimpse at what the other person's life is like when we aren't together.

   Even Justin was laughing at how he thought his personality is a bit like Clint Eastwood's character. No nonsense, cursing, workaholic, perfectionist, not into feelings talks, etc... But by the end of the movie you see the softer, more loveable side of Eastwood and it made me smile. Because that's what I see in Justin. He puts up his walls for some people, but I know better. He doesn't necessarily care if you love him or hate him. But he cares that I love him and I love that.

   I was thinking as we sat there on the couch, nestled up under our blanket, about how far we've come and where we have been in our relationship over the years. Valentine's morning 15 years ago was when we announced our engagement to our families. It has been a wild ride since then and a lot has transpired. But I love where we are at in our love for each other and I love the possibilities of where we can be headed together.

   I love that Justin supports me in the things that are important to me, even if they aren't to him. I love that he puts up with my quirks and -ism's and sees the humor in it rather than judging me for it. I love that he appreciates me and makes sure he lets me know. I love that while he hates noise, chaos and interruptions, which is essentially life with kids, he loves his kids and cares if he is a good daddy to them. While it would be nice if he didn't work quite so much, I love and appreciate that he is a hard worker. There are a lot of things I love about him and a lot of things being married to him has taught me about myself. I am glad we are in it together and thankful to have him by my side in this journey of life.

Chattanooga, TN - August 2013

Project 365 {2013} - Day 193

 

I was looking through an old journal tonight and came across Justin's and my engagement picture. The faces of two babies stared back at me. We look so young! Largely because we were. But I had a moment of gratitude for Justin. We grew up into adults together and have been by each other through thick and thin. It's a kind of history and bond that doesn't just come, but is earned. And I am grateful and proud we have done that together.