This was the view off of the balcony this past October when I spent four, glorious days in Florida with my girlfriends. No husband, no kids, no work, no demands, no schedule, just 100% recharge time. I could really use a dose of this right now.
I know it sounds awful to want to get away without my family, because I do love them so very much. But dang it, I am zapped. I came home from that trip with my well so full. I wanted to and was ready to be a better wife and mother after I had a chance to catch my breath.
Right now, I just feel like mean mom.
Justin has been gone a lot and when he is home he is working all the time. That leaves me to make sure teeth are brushed, meals are cooked, groceries are bought, babysitters lined up, go to work myself, laundry, cleaning, playing referee, making sure the kids are loved, pay the bills, balance the checkbook, delegate, entertain... you get the idea.
Tonight I was talking to Maryn about standing up straighter. (When she sulks she assumes a very vulture-esque pose that can't be good for her neck or back...) Brynna immediately chimed in "Well, do I do that?" My brain snapped.
It seemed like every time I tried to have a conversation with any of her sisters today (or any day really) she wanted to know how the conversation correlated to her. For instance, I happened to find a baby picture of one of the girls buried in some stuff and Brynna immediately wanted to know if I had a baby picture of her in there too. I can tell someone their drawing is really good and she wants to know if her drawings are really good too. It may seem stupid, but it seems like she is always fighting for 100%, exact equality in all things to prove my love....and truthfully it makes me want to scream. I tell her all the time that I love all my girls equally and that expressing love to someone else doesn't take away from or diminish the love I have for her. That praising someone else doesn't mean I don't also feel proud of her.
So tonight when she interrupted my conversation with Maryn to compare it to herself, like I said, my brain snapped. I looked at her and said "Brynna Grace, I love you to bits. You are a great kid, but NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU!!! I am not talking to YOU right now!!!" She stood there and puddled up, fighting back tears, the same way I do when I don't want to cry, and turned and silently went upstairs.
Now that the house is quiet and I am not overwhelmed by the swarming of activity and noise I wish I could go wake her up and tell her I am sorry for losing my temper. I wish I could tell her I was that insecure middle child too, who always just wanted to know where I fit into the mix. Who always wanted to belong.
I swore to myself so many times as a kid that I would never forget what it felt like to be a kid. I felt so strongly from a very young age that grown-ups didn't get it. I promised myself I would never be that person. But here I am, very much that person. And it makes me sad. Sad that life has overwhelmed me so much that I have lost the vision of what life is like from their young view.
............................................
I couldn't stand it any longer. I had to go wake her up and tell her I was sorry. Through tears I told her she was always in my heart. I told her I remembered feeling the same way as a kid. I told her I loved her even when I was a mean mom. She smiled sweetly, hugged me and told me it was okay.
Having children can really take it out of you, but I am thankful to have their examples. They love so freely and forgive so easily. So many times I tell them (usually during those "This is a life skill." moments) that I am raising them to be adults someday. But I hope that in the process of raising them, they can continue to teach me to remember and see life like a child.