Mean Mom

This was the view off of the balcony this past October when I spent four, glorious days in Florida with my girlfriends. No husband, no kids, no work, no demands, no schedule, just 100% recharge time. I could really use a dose of this right now.

I know it sounds awful to want to get away without my family, because I do love them so very much. But dang it, I am zapped. I came home from that trip with my well so full. I wanted to and was ready to be a better wife and mother after I had a chance to catch my breath.

Right now, I just feel like mean mom.

Justin has been gone a lot and when he is home he is working all the time. That leaves me to make sure teeth are brushed, meals are cooked, groceries are bought, babysitters lined up, go to work myself, laundry, cleaning, playing referee, making sure the kids are loved, pay the bills, balance the checkbook, delegate, entertain... you get the idea.

Tonight I was talking to Maryn about standing up straighter. (When she sulks she assumes a very vulture-esque pose that can't be good for her neck or back...) Brynna immediately chimed in "Well, do I do that?" My brain snapped. 

It seemed like every time I tried to have a conversation with any of her sisters today (or any day really) she wanted to know how the conversation correlated to her. For instance, I happened to find a baby picture of one of the girls buried in some stuff and Brynna immediately wanted to know if I had a baby picture of her in there too. I can tell someone their drawing is really good and she wants to know if her drawings are really good too. It may seem stupid, but it seems like she is always fighting for 100%, exact equality in all things to prove my love....and truthfully it makes me want to scream. I tell her all the time that I love all my girls equally and that expressing love to someone else doesn't take away from or diminish the love I have for her. That praising someone else doesn't mean I don't also feel proud of her.

So tonight when she interrupted my conversation with Maryn to compare it to herself, like I said, my brain snapped. I looked at her and said "Brynna Grace, I love you to bits. You are a great kid, but NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU!!! I am not talking to YOU right now!!!" She stood there and puddled up, fighting back tears, the same way I do when I don't want to cry, and turned and silently went upstairs.

Now that the house is quiet and I am not overwhelmed by the swarming of activity and noise I wish I could go wake her up and tell her I am sorry for losing my temper. I wish I could tell her I was that insecure middle child too, who always just wanted to know where I fit into the mix. Who always wanted to belong.

I swore to myself so many times as a kid that I would never forget what it felt like to be a kid. I felt so strongly from a very young age that grown-ups didn't get it. I promised myself I would never be that person. But here I am, very much that person. And it makes me sad. Sad that life has overwhelmed me so much that I have lost the vision of what life is like from their young view.

............................................

I couldn't stand it any longer. I had to go wake her up and tell her I was sorry. Through tears I told her she was always in my heart. I told her I remembered feeling the same way as a kid. I told her I loved her even when I was a mean mom. She smiled sweetly, hugged me and told me it was okay.

Having children can really take it out of you, but I am thankful to have their examples. They love so freely and forgive so easily. So many times I tell them (usually during those "This is a life skill." moments) that I am raising them to be adults someday. But I hope that in the process of raising them, they can continue to teach me to remember and see life like a child.

Buffalo Gals

We had a handyman come out to the house once to look at our downstairs lights. It seemed like there was always at least one bulb in our light fixtures that was always out, no matter how often we replaced our lightbulbs. I was tired of feeling like a cave dweller in half-lit rooms and was sure it was some wonky wiring job that needed to be fixed.

The handyman looked at our fixtures after having the problem explained to him and said "Where are your kids' rooms in relation to the lights that keep going out?" Puzzled, we answered directly above them. He said that was our problem. Our girls are so dang rambunctious that their constant jumping, stomping and horse-playing was breaking the filaments in our lights.

And people say it's the boys that are rough on things.

I just sent the girls upstairs to get jammies on and teeth brushed...it literally sounds like a herd of wild buffalo are running recklessly through the halls; stomping, jumping, yelling and loud-talking. On nights where Justin is gone, like tonight and what seems like so many other nights, where I am running this ship all alone while buffalo gals run amok, I get tired at the sheer responsibility that my life requires of me. But then I can't help but think that it will all be over before I am ready for it to be. When responsibility will wane and these halls and stairs will grow quiet. When lightbulbs will glow, undamaged by the ruckus and I will wish for the days that the sands of time didn't slip between my tired hands.

So tonight, I will grasp this moment. I will gather my fading energy. I will muster another push of patience and I will go hug and kiss my wild, rambunctious, wonderful, little herd of buffalo gals.

Project 365 {2013} - Day 228

Devyn had a very fun, one-on-one Daddy-Daughter day with Justin that tuckered her out! We couldn't even get her unbuckled from her carseat without her trying to curl back up and fall asleep! Cute little turkey!

Project 365 {2013} - Day 224

 

This is what about 7:00 p.m. looked like for me tonight. Well, to be honest, this is what it looks like most nights. It's that final hour before the kids go to bed and there is homework to wrap up, dinner to clean up, jammies and teeth to do and all I really want to do is lay, like a slug, on the couch in a semi-comatose state. I swear it feels like merely blinking requires more energy than I have to give. Early morning workouts, busy days at the office, running too and fro, being mom and running the homefront solo with Justin staying late at work tonight have left me just so dang tired.

Super Bowl

You want to know what I did for the Super Bowl tonight? Not a dang thing! Justin went to our friend Rusty's house to watch the game with a pack of guys who were also flying solo from the wife and kidlets. I had the kids in bed by 7:00, parked it on the couch and read over a bunch of stuff for my new calling as Primary Secretary. ("Primary" is the children's organization at my church. Basically, Sunday School for the little nuggets under the age of 12. And a "calling" is an invitation to serve the Lord through voluntary service.) I know, I am so un-fun. But I have been feeling like boo-boo (it's a Young-ism) this week and dang it this girl was pooped! Here's to some semblance of productivity tomorrow...no guarantees. ;)

P.S. Heard all the buzz about how Madonna was the greatest thing since sliced bread. Watched it on YouTube and....eh. It was okay. Madonna kinda bugs me. I stopped paying attention after she started doing the nasty with barnyard animals and french-kissing girls half her age. Grow up.