Snow Days, Off Days, & Texts with Mom

I bet you thought I had flaked, right? That my whole desire to blog more lasted a week and then faded?

You're not going to be rid of me quite that easily this time around.

Actually, starting Friday evening we had snow. The magical, once-a-year experience here in the South had the house in a bundle of excitement. Instead of writing I was out walking the streets in the dark with my firstborn, seeing if she could catch any pictures of the flurries of snow in the dim light on her new camera.

This was Maryn's shot of the snow flurries in the glow of the street lamp.

Saturday was sledding, napping, eating, being a bum, and not feeling a morsel of remorse for being off-track. It was glorious.

Then with Sunday came some feelings I needed to sort out, and I didn't feel like writing. Everyone gets mad. But no one wants to be memorialized years from now for what they wrote in anger. At least not me. I want to be real, but not angry.

And that takes me to today. My mom and I were just casually texting back and forth, which I love, because we don't do it nearly often enough, because McLean's are a lovable bunch and some of the absolute worst at keeping in touch, myself fully included, and it just felt so wonderfully normal! It made me wonder why we don't do it more often?!

Between yesterday and today the thoughts percolating in my mind were trying to analyze my feelings over the last couple of days. I take care of people, I love them, I encourage them, it's what I do. It's just a part of me to want to help others, to champion them, support them, and rally around them. I like that part of me. But then on the flip side I feel like I've notoriously put myself on a back burner in terms of what I deserve, what I should expect in others, and so on in life. I don't like that part of me. I'm working on balancing the two, and while standing up for myself feels amazing, I hate that a part of me feels like I'm compromising that nurturer in me too.

So that's where my brain is at. When do I make a point and stand my ground because I deserve it and when do I let it go...

It's easy to get frustrated with ourselves in those areas of our personality that are undergoing renovations. To know who we want to be, but still having to be patient with the dust required as we undergo the work of working on ourselves.

It goes back to my previous post about patience...

I appreciated my mom's words though as we messaged back and forth. I was telling her that I had recently made amends with one of my cousins for some insensitive remarks I had made years earlier. (My brain has the best of intentions, my mouth is slowly in the process of acquiring a filter. Sometimes it gets me in trouble. That adds to the struggle of introversion, because you never know if opening your mouth is worth the risk... Sometimes it's just a lot easier to be a hermit.) Anyways, my lovely mother said...

I told her that one of the very best things about a mom is that they don't see your life in the same snippets that others do. Or even ourselves. We can compartmentalize ourselves or allow ourselves to be compartmentalized by others; but mothers, they see the whole picture, the whole story, before our self-awareness was even developed, and can be our eyes to help us see ourselves more clearly.

It is okay for me to stand up for me and it doesn't have to be a compromise of myself. Because who I am is someone who cares, and always will. Loving myself and championing myself won't get in the way of that. It's not either or, it's not black or white. This is me, in all my varying shades, and that's okay.

I'm really grateful for my mom and her eyes, and their ability to help me see and catch glimpses of my greater, more whole, big picture self.

Morning Walk

My mantra for today is patience. Patience. And faith. When I left for my walk this morning it was dark. I had to look down to see where I was going. But slowly, imperceptibly light came. Rising on the horizon, casting it's hope across the world in oranges and pinks, until the darkness slowly yielded to a glimpse of blue skies. Of a new day. Of new possibilities. Of a new outlook. Good things will come to those who diligently seek patience and faith.

Work...

I've really been having a hard time with the mental drain that is work lately. I have a good job. My boss is fair. It works with my schedule about 75% of the time. The people I work with are good people, and for the most part easy to be around. And yet....being there lately just takes the life out of me.

I've examined my feelings, trying to figure it out. At times I can pinpoint it to certain people. But when I step back and am objective, I know, like I said, that I work with good people, who are just trying to live their lives. It's not as if they lay awake at night trying to conspire ways to zap my energy.

What it is, I think, as grateful as I am for a good job, is knowing I will never have a voice there. Just shut up and work, and smile when you are supposed to. I could go into specifics, but I won't. I will just suffice it to say, some people want to give so little that they aren't concerned that it's at the expense of their team or morale. To overcompensate, others care so much they can't relinquish any control, rendering all others voiceless. Negativity over some situations suck some into a vortex of worry and perceived offenses, that then permeates the work environment. Everything must be fair, even if it's not practical or beneficial. If someone is happy, that means someone else must be unhappy. Smile to ones face and then whisper behind ones back. Above all else, never say how you really feel out loud. Having an opinion is looked down upon, or causes so much drama it's not worth the investment. Offense is so fragile a thing to some that they must be handled as if you may emotionally crack them at any moment. It's exhausting. I just want to be able to go to work and do my job.

I know the only thing I can change is myself, and I know that I am not perfect. But I already have so much on my plate in life, that I struggle with having to give so much mental energy to a situation I really can't control or change. I've tried and nothing ever changes. I'm not in a position to not work right now. So I know that I have to work on the change I can control, and that is me committing to take it all with a grain of salt. But some days it's hard, and I find myself wishing there was some place for me. A place where everyone wanted to be there, and everybody wanted to give their very best, and team was not a word, but an environment in which every person was equally committed to creating. That's what I wish for.

BofM365

I started the year out last year really wanting to read the Book of Mormon again cover to cover. It seemed like it didn't take too long before life got in the way, and inconsistency on my part led to a lack of seeing that goal come to fruition. I'm not going to beat myself up about it, I'm just going to try again this year, only with more of a plan. Justin told me the other day that he was following an account on Instagram called BofM365 that maps out all your reading for the year for you. All you have to do is the recommended reading assignment every day and by the end of the year you've read the whole Book of Mormon.

 I've also incorporated in my personal study this study guide that I bought last year, but didn't get too far into. I like having the reading assignments from BofM365 that are totally manageable, but then spending a few more minutes getting to digest what I'm reading about in the study guide is nice. It focused mostly on doodling and visuals, and while I'm not much of an artist, the doodling, drawing, or writing key phrases down is making the study a little more interesting.

I started putting the kids in bed at 7:30 the last few days, instead of 8:00 or 8:30, and telling them to spend 5-15 minutes on personal study by themselves and then they could read a book of their choosing. That carves out time for me, before I'm too cranky, to sit down and work on my own study without distraction, and then gives me a few minutes to catch up on here before I go tuck them in at 8:30. I know we are only three days into the new year, but I'm kind of liking our new routine! I'll try to make myself be accountable on here from time to time with how I'm doing. I really hope to stick to it this year though. Lauryn was saying last night that she didn't understand everything she was reading. I told her that was okay; that there were promised blessings just by doing her part and doing it. I know that's so true. The times in my life where I was consistently letting the scriptures be a part of my daily life, I felt those blessings come to fruition, in so many different ways. The power of the scriptures is real!

Family Home Evening & Prayers Answered

Today was a busy day. It was the last day of the kids' Christmas Break. We were busy trying to tackle to-do lists before the rush of schedules and real life was back in full swing. Putting away Christmas decorations, menu planning, grocery shopping, doing housework, and we went hiking together as a family on the trails in our neighborhood. Like I said, it was a good day in all, but the girls have had a lot of togetherness over Break and were getting under each others skin.

There is something you should know about my kids. I love them with all my heart and soul, but they are LOUD! Non-stop talking, and talking over each other on top of that. Picking little fights that lead to unnecessary tears and drama. Not listening to instructions the first time, which make me have to repeat myself. (I LOATHE having to repeat myself!) Don't get me wrong, they are good kids, but by the time dinner was over I felt physically and mentally exhausted, and ready for bedtime.

In the past month Justin, who has struggled with his relationship with God for most of our married life, has been working on rekindling his testimony, and returning his focus to letting the Gospel of Jesus Christ be the center of his life and goals. Needless to say, this change of heart has been an answer to many, many years of earnest and heartfelt prayers from me, and many others who sincerely love Justin. This change has brought about a lot of new things in our relationship that I have waited for for a very long time. I can feel through Justin's efforts my burdens easing, and tonight was no exception.

Before I always felt the weight of knowing that my children's religious and spiritual foundation rested solely on my shoulders. I love the Lord very much and was willing to carry any load He saw fit to give me; but there was so much to do that I just did not feel equipped for. Working, raising kids, running a house, making family prayers - morning and night happen, daily family and personal scripture study, Family Home Evening every week, serving in church, homework, activities, family finances, trying to focus on and connect with each child, make sure school was going okay, temple attendance, and the list goes on. It felt like so, so much and I struggled doing it all on my own. I would find myself on my knees pleading to my Father in Heaven to fill in the gaps that my inadequacies left. I was doing the best I could, but there was just so much, and I was just one person.

Tonight as we finished dinner, I slumped in my chair, exhausted and trying to muster up the energy to get the nightly kitchen clean-up delegated and enforced. There was no part of me mentally or physically that was up for preparing and presenting a Family Home Evening lesson this Monday night. I found an answer to prayers as Justin stepped in and took care of the whole lesson. He pulled out his old notebook from his mission and shared stories with the girls about his experiences with prayer. He was candid about his absence from church for a long time, and the prayers that were answered that sparked his return to the gospel. When the lesson was over Lauryn said "Dad, thank you. That was a really great lesson."

I was still tired, but I didn't feel weary, because I was thankful. Thankful that I'm not alone in this marriage spiritually anymore. Thankful that I have someone here who is working towards the same eternal goals that I have wanted for so long. Thankful that Heavenly Father is a God of miracles. Thankful that my husband's heart has been softened. Thankful that after a crazy, loud, kind of disobedient day, that we could sit down together as a family and feel the spirit together. Thankful that even on the crazy days, I can lay my head down at night and say to myself "God is good. All the time," and really be able to feel the truth of those words in my own life.

God IS good. All the time. And I'm really thankful for that.

Hello 2017

It seems throughout the years I've resolved a million times to stop neglecting this poor blog. Even though today is New Years Day, I'm not back to fulfill some sort of rigid resolution. I'm here again because I am so appreciative of the me that took the time, years ago, to document her life. From time to time, when a memory is sparked, I will log on and search old posts to see what I wrote. I'll see the days and years represented. The hardships, triumphs, inspiration, stupidity or humor, successes and things unrealized, and it's all here. It's a piece of me.

When I think back to this past year, I realize that 2016 was an interesting one. I had so much to be thankful for, and yet in many ways I struggled personally. Ways that challenged me not to write; as if those struggles wouldn't etch their way into my heart and story if I didn't write them down. Ways that made me want to hide and isolate myself, afraid to really let anyone know me or the quiet things I carried. But in this year of personal challenges, I also learned a lot about love and it's reaches. I gained new insight into what it feels like to experience grips of depression, and it afforded me the ability to see others with more empathy. I learned about the absolute relief that comes with a willingness to let my Savior carry my burdens, and trust in my Heavenly Father's will and timing for my life. I learned that despite my perceived weaknesses, that I am so much stronger than I ever thought. I learned how much my family loves me. I learned that I can have friends and be a friend. Despite what was hard, I am so grateful for every minute of it. Every humbling moment of searching. Every gesture of pure love and support. I'm thankful that as the year closed I could look in the mirror and truly know that I am enough.

Moving forward into this new year of 2017, where possibilities are whatever I choose to make them, I feel my mind is cleared and at peace from the lessons 2016 taught me. I feel more like me than I have in awhile, and I'm ready to be back, and be honest, and to share a piece of me on here. I mostly anticipate that I will probably be my only reader, and I'm okay with that. Because I'm here for me, and future me will love my guts for it.

Book Club & Course Correction

   Maybe I call myself a hermit crab too much and it has become something of a self-fulfilling prophesy? Tonight when I came home Justin told me he was proud of me, for doing something he knew was out of my comfort zone. I like to be in my own bubble, living life on my own terms. Where the people around me are as devoted to me as I am to them. Is this me, or is it a wall I have built over time and through formative years of perceived rejection?

   I am not anti-social by any means. I can laugh, carry on a conversation, make eye contact, give a firm handshake. All those things that don't make me a darting-eyed, social freeb. (Although I do get nervous and fight a pounding heart and shaky voice when I know all eyes in the room are on me, and only me.) However, despite being able to 'put on a good show' as my mother (who is very much like me in that way) says, I avoid social situations with people I don't know, as much as I can. I am just as happy to be with my family and extremely small group of people I would actively seek out.

   But Maryn made a friend this year named Bridgette Bissell. Bridgette has a mother named Suzanne. It is crazy odd how much the four of us all just seem to have known one another before, in the sense that we can just relate. Maryn has found someone in Bridgette who gets her, and vice versa. I have been amazed at how everytime I talk to Suzanne I find it almost eerie how much she just kind of seems to get me, even though I have myself pegged as a friendly odd-ball.

   Long story short, Suzanne started a book club and invited me to come sit with a room full of strangers and talk about books. I like books...even if talking to strangers sounds about as fun as a squirt of lemon juice in the eye. But I like Suzanne and want to support her and more importantly get to know one another better. So I go. And I have a little shaky voice when everyone is staring at me as I introduce myself, but I survive. And I meet some really great women. Of course their is the over-opinionated, offbeat neighbor who Suzanne invited so as not to offend. But two women in particular, Tita from Columbia and Alejandra from Peru, I had a wonderful time talking with after the group discussion. It wasn't like the obligatory small-talk that usually sets me on edge.

   They talked about their cultures and how important it is that their children have a sense of where they came from. I talked about how when I was a girl I envied my Greek best friend because she had a culture. I know I do too, but I don't have it documented. There are stories I want to learn. Stories I want to tell. Experiences about our backgrounds that I want to share with my girls, except that I don't know what they are yet.

   I am currently working towards a degree in Healthcare Administration that is about as practical as it gets. It was never a dream of mine, but lean times in the past have left me in fear of the unknown and it is a steady, responsible choice. Somewhere lurking in the back of my mind is the feeling, that I must know if my world gets pulled out from under my feet again, that I can make it. That I can take care of myself and those I love.

    But I am tiring of fear of the unknown being the motivator of my focus. I am tiring of becoming educated solely to make a living. I want my education to give more meaning to my living. I want the things I learn be something that I can draw my kids into, rather than isolate myself with. I don't want to study business law, statistics, or memorize anatomy and codes. I want to leave a legacy. I want to learn my story and tell it, and I want to tell the story of those who went before me and never got to say it. I want my daughters to know all the parts and places on their Family Tree that they belong to and are intertwined with. Instead of the responsible Bachelor's in Healthcare Administration, I want to get my Associate's in Family History Research.

    It makes me wonder if Heavenly Father prodded me out of my comfort zone tonight, to a new friend's house, so that I could learn about two interesting ladies and their cultures? I wondered if He knew that that conversation was sprouted to help me realize what it is I want to to with my time academically, as impractical as it is. I feel like the meaning I have been searching for has just been unearthed.