Being Loved

    As I went to the sink to wash my hands I looked up and caught my reflection in the mirror. I smiled because the face staring back at me was one I hadn't seen in awhile. She looked amused, with eyes that twinkled like they knew something. Her face looked tired, yet rested at the same time. Her hair was askew, but playful. The flush on her cheeks captured days gone past; while the lines on her face, like the corners of her eyes that happily crinkled like tissue paper, told a story of life lived. Missing was the dull eyes, the slumped shoulders and the deep, drudging lines of stress and sleep deprivation pulling on her face. Even at the hour where one day imperceivably meshes into another, she looked almost...beautiful.

    Life has been so busy for Justin and I, with school, work, and other obligations. It feels like we hardly see each other anymore. But this weekend, he is mine. We watched a movie together, pretzeled on the couch, legs and arms all intertwined. We laughed at the -isms in our personalities that we have each grown to find endearing. We walked under the inky, black sky of a flawlessly clear night, speckled with stars, and wondered why it had been so long since either one of us looked up? We filled our lungs with the sweet scent of honeysuckle that meandered it's way through the still night air. He listened as I jabbered about the transport I felt to my childhood days on Autumn Ridge Parkway, when that delicate sweetness seeped into my senses. We made plans to take our Little Women strawberry picking once the sun rises and yields a new day. We marveled at the half life lived while our freezer has been devoid of scrumptious, sweet, tart, ruby-red, strawberry freezer jam. (You know life is far too busy when you have subjected yourself to over a year of mediocre, store-bought jam!) We looked into each others eyes and smiled. We kissed like teenagers. We basked in the absolute comfortability of married life. I know him, he knows me. There is no face to put on, no pretense, no uptightness. Just pure, comfortable honesty.

    The man who put the twinkle in my eye, and smooths lines from worry to lines of life, lies next to me in bed right now. Softly snoring ever so slightly, as his chest rises and falls. When I am with him, without distractions, I can feel the burden lift. Life without him weighs me down. Like trying to run against the current of the ocean's waves. With him by my side I can feel those waves start to recede, and each moment is a step closer to dry, warm sand where I can lay and rest without fear in that moment of being swept away. The woman who carries so much responsibility is free to just be the girl he loves.

    As the upturned corners of her mouth caught me off guard and smiled back at me in the mirror tonight, my reflection whispered to me a truth that had escaped me for awhile amidst the stress of life. One that age, circumstance, or life cannot erase. Being loved makes you beautiful.

Hanging On Extra Tight

    Sometimes in life you have the opportunity to see the way your life could have played out right in front of you, in a way that shakes you to the core. It makes you scared and grateful all at once, like standing on the other side of an accident that should have killed you. I have had the opportunity to reflect over the last week, as I have watched heavy things go down in a friend's life, on how it's the small moments that have the greatest impact. It's all these tiny bits and pieces, those choices, that lead us up to the defining moments where we see what we are made of.

    I can't tell you how many times I have walked up to Justin in the last few days and just tilted my head into his neck, right under his chin, where we fit together just right, and breathed him in. We are here, he is mine, and we made it. We weathered the storm. We have talked about how scary it is to realize how close we came to losing it all. That our lives could be separate right now. That pictures of those moments that a life was built on could be nothing more than a painful reminders of distant, happier past life.

   I have shed tears at the loss of others and gotten down on my knees and thanked God for preserving our marriage. For repairing what was broken. For speaking to us, and helping us to have ears to hear, so that when those small moments led up to those defining decisions, His will was known. I am grateful He knew what we didn't. That this life was worth fighting for. That our marriage had the power to become what we each needed it to be, even when it seemed all was lost. That beyond anger and hurt of the past was friendship in it's truest form waiting on the other side.

   I wish I could tell my friend in a way that she would hear that beauty can be born from heartache, and a deeper love from from our hardest times. But I feel like I am shouting into the wind, and my words aren't heard. All I can do now is hold on extra tight, and thank my Father above for giving us the strength to fight for this life. To remember how close we came to losing it all. To know that happy families don't just happen. To remember that anything worth having in life is worth working and fighting for.

   As I tuck under his chin, and his arms envelope me as they pull me close, I know my life with Justin is just as it should be. We are a miracle. Our life together is a miracle. And I will thank God every day for it.

Just Keepin' It Real

I am 100% over this semester and just wish I could blink and it would be over with. I feel like my entire life has become a juggle of work and school and very little enjoyment otherwise. Bleh. I just want my life back!

She Will Find What Is Lost

"She Will Find What Is Lost"

Brian Kershisnik

A friend shared this painting with me. It reminded me very much of the feeling I recently shared of having unseen hands lifting and guiding my path. I am so grateful for Heaven's help in this mortal journey.

Asking Forgiveness

   Many times when I find myself in prayer, asking for forgiveness for the same offenses over and over, I want to shrink at my weakness, rather than bring them to the Lord...again. I was impatient. I was quick to anger. I wasn't soft-spoken. I was too opinionated. The list could go on.

    I am well aware that my road to perfection has a lot of speed bumps and pot holes. Sometimes the adversary can get in my ear and tell me to not bother to pray. That Heavenly Father is tired of the daily report of my imperfections. However, peace came to my heart as I read Helaman 3:27 where it said "Thus we see that the Lord is merciful unto all who will, in the sincerity of their hearts, call upon His holy name." 

    It's nice to be reminded that the Lord isn't merciful to just the star students of life who only have good reports. He is merciful to all, who in humility can bring their shortcomings to His feet, and offer them up, and ask for His help. It brings me peace to know that while I don't deserve it, Jesus Christ fills the gaps I create daily, through His atoning sacrifice. Their love for me, despite my unworthiness, makes me want to keep picking myself up and trying, knowing Their mercy is there to help me through each day. It is my prayer that as I continue to bring my flawed self to Their feet, that eventually my actions will become a truer reflection of my love for them.

The Lord Provides

   I think we all will find times in our lives where we feel stretched thin and fear that we can not accomplish all that has been asked of us. Maybe it is embarking on a journey in continuing our education and struggling to find balance with our everyday lives. Maybe it is accepting a new assignment or calling at work or church. Perhaps we struggle in a relationship that requires much personal sacrifice to help it grow. Whatever the circumstance may be, I find such peace in knowing that the Lord is there to sustain us as we turn to Him in all things.

   Alma and his companions found this sustaining influence as they prayed for and sought wisdom in their dealings with the Zoramites before splitting up and going forth to preach the word of God. In Alma 31:37-38 it says "And after that they did separate themselves from one another, taking no thought for themselves what they should eat, or what they should drink, or what they should put on. And the Lord provided them that they should hunger not, neither should they thirst; yea and he also gave them strength, that they should suffer no manner of afflictions, save it were swallowed up in the joy of Christ..."

   They had a tall order in front of them and surely knew they would be met with some opposition. Yet they were blessed with a single-minded faith in God's plan and in His peace. They did not worry about the details because they knew Heavenly Father would work it out. I had a similar experience this week. Sunday morning I was seriously considering dropping my classes because my schedule for the next couple months is even busier than "normal" for me (which is already very busy) and I wasn't sure I would be able to keep up with my coursework. As I thought on it though, I came to feel a certain peace and the thought came to not stress how the whole semester would be handled. Rather I felt impressed to take it day by day, having faith that the Lord could help me accomplish the things I didn't think I could do alone. I am so grateful that the stresses and requirements of life can be taken in stride as they are swallowed up in the joy of Christ and in the knowledge that we are in His care.

"O Remember, Remember"

                     
                                          
  I can only hope to be as consistent as President Eyring in recording those tender mercies that Heavenly Father blesses our family with each day. Lately though my mind has been full of them. I knew that they needed to be recorded somewhere besides the scattered regions of my brain.

   This past year has been a refiners fire for me personally and for my family as a whole. I remember a year ago at this time, as 2013 drew to a close, that I felt there was something on the horizon and I needed to hold on tight. Just a few weeks into 2014 it all seemed to hit me a once. I had the first crisis of my health, developments in my marriage had brought it to the breaking point, and financial concerns kept cropping up with our rental house that threatened to devastate us.

   "Hang on, just hang on..." a voice seemed to whisper to me. I don't know who it was. Perhaps it was the Holy Ghost, although at times it felt like the unseen hands and whispers of angels. I can't describe why I felt this way, but I felt the influence of my grandmothers on the other side of the veil lifting me when the road ahead felt too hard to bear. One night I sat in the temple parking lot as I read their patriarchal blessings and sobbed at the realization that in their own ways, and in their own lives, they could relate to what I was going through. That beyond the white hair and years, they were women just like me, with lives full of experiences that could offer empathy, even in their physical absence. The things that in my pain and privacy I couldn't open up to people about, they understood and saw and because of that they were able to be with me and guide me.

  Hanging on, even when it was the hardest thing to do, saved me. Because of the white knuckle grip those unseen hands somehow managed to help me keep, the Lord was able to guide me to sources of strength and to help me find peace or resolution for challenges that I was facing. After surgery, uncertainty, and more time in the doctor's office in the past 12 months than I have in the past 30+ years, I am ending this year in a much better place than I began it, in terms of my health.

   At one point this year, after many years of trying, I stood at the heart-wrenching precipice of deciding if ending my marriage with my husband was the right decision. Wanting so badly to feel a wholeness in our relationship, that had long felt elusive, but fearing my heart and trust could never be mended. After counseling, a lot of work, and allowing the Atonement to work for both of us, I feel more at peace in our relationship than I have since the day it began. In addition, Justin has started to come to church with us again, to pray with us again, and to turn to the Lord in his own ways. As I watch his transformation emerge, my heart and it's ability to love and forgive have transformed and changed too. I can honestly say that working from and through the depths of my sorrow has born a love more honest than ever.

   In terms of hope financially, we were finally able to sell our rental house and with it the financial strain and uncertainty of being landlords on a property we were consistently losing money on. Rather than feeling like we are constantly sinking, there is the hope to keep treading water towards brighter days ahead. Additionally, I was led to opportunities to gain a love of the scriptures this year. I was able to fulfill the longtime goal of going back to school this year. Justin and I will be closing on our family's forever home in a few short weeks. Finally as this year closes, after so many hard years before, I can feel a sense of hope and peace on the horizon.

   Around me I see friends who's grips are slipping as the challenges and adversities of life pile up. It breaks my heart and I find myself on my knees pleading with the Lord to provide those heavenly whispers "Hold on, just hold on..." to them as well. Watching the struggles around me and reflecting on my own has brought to my remembrance the many, many blessings and miracles that I have watched come to pass this year. It has helped me to see how much I have grown in my testimony and understanding. It has helped me to better understand the Lord's plan, timing, and purposes. It has deepened my understanding of God's love for me individually and an unshakable faith that His promises are sure.

   Tonight as I was wiping countertops and listening to my scriptures on my phone, the thought occurred to me that I undeniably know which team I am on. I am on the Lord's side. The truths and benefits of the Gospel have been made so abundantly clear to me, that I know without a doubt the condemnation that would come upon me if I ever turned away from it. Not that I ever had plans to, but as I watch friends who were rock solid slip and slide away, I see that the adversary can get his grips in anyone. But this year has opened my eyes to the bigger picture in so many ways.

   The way I saw the Lord's hand in my life today was that solidifying witness, in my own private moment, that everything that has happened in the past year, and years before that building up to now, was to bring me to that knowledge. To cement the path of discipleship before me and to help me better come to love and know my Father in Heaven and Savior, Jesus Christ. That there has been purpose in the pain, and it was to bring me to the exquisite joy and peace that comes from allowing the Savior to guide your path and making the conscious decision to follow Him.